And now, Bollywood Bolta!

 Dipped in Witriol

AJITH PILLAI

The famous Bollywood grouse, that it gets a raw deal from the media has been articulated so many times over that one has lost count. But each time, a film gets bad reviews, the critics are targeted—it is pointed out that their knowledge of cinema is, as much as, a filmmaker knows about laying an egg or explaining Parliament’s functioning to a two-year-old. Well, all that apart, just when everyone in the industry had got used to the bickering and snide remarks as part of the game, comes the news that the filmy duniya has decided to hit back. It will take on the media on its own turf by launching a weekly publication, which will “read between the reels, cans, dialogues, costumes and cameras to give a realistic and dignified portrayal of apna cinema.” Apparently, the move was mooted by Aamir Khan, who is unhappy that his latest release Talaash has not been given five stars for its brilliance. 

It is also reliably learnt that the big names of the industry have come together (The Khans - Aamir, Shah Rukh, Salman - included) after ironing out their indifferences at a laundry in Bandra, which has a giant custom-built contraption for sorting out all pressing problems. That done, the gang of 12 calling itself, “The Dirty Dozen” (for lack of anything more original) met at the defunct kitchen of a five-star hotel disguised as chefs. “So folks, what is cooking?” said Aamir Khan, the last to arrive since it took him time to locate a white double-breasted jacket, apron and a toque (a headgear worn by professional cooks). Incidentally, wife Kiran Rao’s suggestion that he wear a baseball cap instead, did not wash well with her husband, who is known to be a perfectionist even in his imperfections.

Anyway, the meeting finally got under way, before the watchful eyes of pots, pans and a deep fat-fryer.  A giant skillet, no one paid much attention to, was actually a desperate undercover film journalist looking for an exclusive. It is thanks to him that we know what transpired at the meeting. It is unbelievable though that he parted with the information for a scoop of ice cream! So, without much ado, the details:

THE PREAMBLE GRUMBLE: To decide on the intent, content and the name of the magazine. Shahrukh Khan, Anil Kapoor, Katrina Kaif and Sonakshi Sinha felt that it’s high time the media be put in its place. Karan Johar, who served coffee to all (including the pots and pans), wondered why those who pronounced a film bad were regarded as good critics. Salman said, he couldn’t care less about what the press said and was present at the meeting only because he had sorted out his indifference, at least momentarily. Sanjay Dutt remarked that this was the time for everyone to stand together and fight. To which, Abbas Tyrewala (director, screenplay writer) retorted that everyone was standing and that chairs would have to be provided if they have to first sit and then take a stand.

THE NAAM-SHAAM: Several names for the prospective publication were suggested—Filmfair, Star-Durst (dare), Asli Pitcher, Hum Critic Se Kum Nahin, Movie aur Seedhi Baat, Filmy Log (ka) Pal, Hum Hain Cannes and Parde ke Peeche. Director Anurag Kashyap’s avant garde suggestion that the magazine be left untitled to provide a surprise element had no takers. It was decided that a final call on the “naam” will be taken at the next meeting, at the same kitchen.

CONTENT IS KING: The meeting framed six broad guidelines that it felt must drive the editorial team ­- (a) all films are equally good although some are more equal; (b) no film must be given less than four stars; (c) it must always be borne in mind that critics are the only creatures who don’t produce or direct a film (except Khalid Mohammed) but yet they rubbish the hard work and labour of others. All unfriendly critics are enemies. All filmmakers comrades; (d) you shall, through your writing, always project the industry in true and positive light; (e) only those who stray from the fold and are labelled traitors shall ever be criticised and (f) never forget that your keyboard is mightier than any detractor’s pen.

EXPOSING THE CRITICS: It was felt that the magazine’s investigative team should keep track of critics and show them in their true colour. In an emotion-charged voice (reminding one of Arnab Goswami on the Newshour) Shahrukh Khan said, “The nation needs to be told how those ladies and gentlemen of the press doze off during screenings and pronounce judgments and call a movie a yawn. Or, how they write reviews after reading the synopsis and seeking the views of colleagues.” Anupam Kher noted that even in the case of paid reviews, one ends up with only three stars. He felt that this injustice must be communicated immediately to Arvind Kejriwal and The Comptroller and Auditor General (CAG) of India. Someone suggested that school test papers in which the critics failed should be located and copies of it printed to show them up.

ONLY ASLI GOSSIP: Everyone agreed that gup-shup, scandal- vandal makes the filmy world go round. But the meeting felt that only “authentic rumours” must be published in the magazine. ‘Authentic’ was defined as news that a star or stars want to make public to promote their film or to settle music scores. The last bit was explained thus by Anu Malik, “When two directors seek inspiration from the same Korean pop hit, both should be given the right to declare that they heard the original only after they recorded their respective songs.” He was supported by several present, who were of the view that the magazine be used to launch a campaign to demand the rephrasing of copyright as “the right to copy.”

NOT PAID NEWS:  It was unanimously decided that the proposed publication be a weekly and that its cover should prominently display that it carried only “Unpaid News” and is guaranteed “not injurious to the health of the industry.”

Finally, it was left to Aamir Khan to declare that the meeting had concluded. Playing the master-chef he said: “Ladies and gents, that’s a lot of cooking we have done for the evening. Now let’s go home, grab some dinner and mull over all that we have said. I’m sure that when the history of 200 years of Indian cinema is written, this momentous day will figure prominently.  Perhaps, as they say, a small step for The Dirty Dozen, but a giant leap for Bollywood.”