Become scribes for our times

 Dipped in Witriol

AJITH PILLAI 

What should be the minimum qualification for a journalist? Press Council of India (PCI) Chairperson Justice Markandey Katju has set up a three-member committee which will determine the education required by aspiring journalists to rearrange alphabets from A to Z in different patterns to write words or do the same phonetically to form sound waves which constitute cogent speech. One is happy to report that work is already under way in all earnestness to divine what makes a perfect journalist – the three wise men have already reached a consensus that ability to read and write is a pre-requisite. Meanwhile, more excitingly, news has come in of a parallel effort by the Information Bureau (IB) in the last six months on what it takes to shape a scribe suited to our modern times. The agency’s secret brief from the PCI: “Evolve a course of instruction and training that would reduce select humans to the sub species journo sapiens.”

The intelligence agency, after its operatives skimmed flat surfaces (grainy, grey ones included), checked the tip of icebergs, drew out-of-shape parallels with triangles unknown to Pythagoras, joined the dots with crosses and made leaning towers out of Domino’s pizzas, have come out with their report which initially snuggled into a cosy corner of Justice Katju’s desk – apparently next to a file containing secret documents in which a not-so-select committee had tried to answer several vexed questions: “Why and when is PCI? Did it actually plot the fall of Goebbels and Hitler? And should it have commissioned Steven Spielberg to make a docu-drama on its non-achievements when Mahesh Bhatt is free and still on roaming?”

That apart, the IB report, which should have been happy at the desk of the honourable judge, became restless and went for a long walk, caught a metro, had a haircut, shampoo, a facial and then took a photo copy of itself and dashed the same off for no rhyme or reason to The Hoot. So, luckily for us, we have in our proud possession 658 pages on ‘fool’s-cap’ of a secret document which when edited magically reduced itself to 12 pages. And, boy! Aren’t we proud to be in a position to actually share (shouldn’t we say exclusively?) excerpts from the IB’s recommended training programme. So here goes:

JOURNO PERFECTO: SHAPING IS IN THE MOULDING

The three-year course is focused on training, brainwashing and other kinds of wash, including hogwash. In fact, all qualities will be addressed which go into the making of a journalist conforming to ISI (here we mean Indian Standards Institute) requirements, one who is PCI-friendly and does not court controversy – unless he/she falls hopelessly in love with it – and largely maintains the flexibility of plasticine, ready to be shaped into any size or form.

Here are further details of the training programme:

The Sporting Journalist: Like clothes, sports too maketh a journo. Therefore, six months at the National Institute of Sports, Patiala will be essential. Here students will learn the ropes (close kin of the grapevine) and understand the dynamics of athletics so vital to be in the running. Training includes learning the art of jumping to conclusions (long jump), enjoying a drink whenever it’s free (high jump), pole vaulting (to nurture ambitions) placing hurdles (before rival scribes), being able throw a discus (to deflect discussions from oneself to others) and relay running so that the baton (hot potato) can be handed over to a junior. The course also introduces students to running away from stories and marathon reportage where the truth unravels at a slow pace like Delhi’s crawling peak hour traffic.

For Better or for Verse: Two years of intensive training in quotable quotes so that lines of poetry is at the tip of one’s tongue. Much of the training involves practising what students will quote – a typical day starts off with reciting Keats, Dryden, Yeats and Byron to the toothbrush followed by subjecting breakfast to Urdu couplets and Vedic chants. Reading Shakespeare and chick-lit backwards will be a must for those aspiring to be Page 3 journalists and editors. Alternatively, students can opt for learning sleep walking and talking. Practical classes include carrying literary books in a manner that can attract attention and asking total strangers if they have read Haruki Murakami and whether his novels remind them of recent editorials which conclude with “Much can be said on both sides “ or “The time to act is now.”

Hunting Is the Game: A stint with one Rajasthan royal or the other is a must to learn the guns and roses of hunting. A good journo should know how to scout and smell for prey, he/she must also know to hunt in packs (when several scribes land the same exclusive) and should strike by hook or by crook when the iron is hot and not feel ashamed to resort to similar clichés which shouldn’t be treated (even when it is running a temperature) as an Achilles heel. This part of the course (sponsored by bigbitetoothpaste, Kalyanjewellers, Killerjeanius and quicktalkadvertising) also teaches students poaching. This is an essential weapon in the armoury of every smart aleck journalist because stealing the stories of juniors or claiming yesterday’s story in another publication/channel as your exclusive is the way to go ahead. A ‘your story is my story’ attitude will be inculcated among students – they will be encouraged to steal from Homer and James Joyce and claim it to be their own. Of course, no copyright infringement comes into the picture since that has long expired.

Understanding Magnification: At the Institute of Applied Micro made Macro, students learn how to blow things out of proportion by looking at alphabets through a microscope. They will also study the philosophy articulated by Socrates aka Digvijay Singh aka Arnab Goswami that a story is how much you make of it. Making mountains out of molehills and molehills out of mountains will be part of the training to understand hyping and underplaying news according to the whims and fancies of the editor.        

Sound And Fury: One year of attending rock concerts in the evenings featuring core metal, death metal, black metal, and heavy metal bands. The idea is to learn to growl aggressively even when saying, “Hey, what’s going on?” Exposure to other rock sounds that can only be identified by special metal detectors will also form part of the training programme which is essential for news anchors as well as print journalists who believe that loud is good as gold.

Driving Edge Journalism: The course concludes with a few months at a motoring school in Lucknow. Here students learn the U-turn – so essential when one wants to retract a story or dramatically change one’s position – and the tricks to be employed to drive others round the bend and over the edge. It will also give the aspiring journalist a personality with drive.

The three-year course will hopefully make a perfect journalist failing which he/she can also be considered for a job in the IB or a placement in the Press Council of India …