Get-well journalism
When India banishes corruption scam-busting journalists will have to look for a new area of specialisation.
AJITH PILLAI offers some bright ideas in that department. Image:doctorpreneurs.com
Dipped in Witriol
AJITH PILLAI
Not many know about the proposed Wellness Professional University (WPU) outside Mumbai which promises to offer a range of new age, feel-good courses. These include hitchhiking as a means of cheap travel, the art of being happy even when watching prime-time news, gaining cosmic consciousness by singing Dreamum Wakeupum and ten ways to fool others into believing they are growing young even as they are ageing. In addition to all these exciting diploma programmes, WPU will also be setting up the “School of Wellness Journalism” (SOWJ).
The doomed (oops! deemed) varsity’s brochure has a separate section which details what it has on offer for students who hope to become journalists of the future. A draft copy of this precious document which offers valuable insight into the functioning of SOWJ was left behind at the Leopold Café in Colaba, the happening place in Sobo (short for South Bombay), by an unidentified gentleman who left in a huff after an argument with a noted food critic on whether the onion-tomato Uthappam inspired the pizza or vice versa. Anyway, a waiter handed over the draft to The Hoot over a few mugs of draught at the nearby Café Mondegar. So, here are a few excerpts for the reader’s pleasure and benefit:
Bharat ek Sowj
The future--an overview: With the fight against corruption gathering steam, the day is not far when India will become taint free. In such a scenario, the demand for scam-busting journalists will come down substantially. All that they will be left with are small-time swindles, petty bribery cases, murders, and desperate acts of crime. In such a scenario the predicament of investigative reporters, as we know them today, will be similar to the oft-dreamt Utopian world where the police become redundant because of lack of criminals. While such a possibility plaguing the men in khaki is well nigh impossible, given the enthusiasm of the campaign by India Against Corruption (IAC) a nation sans corruption is very much in the realm of probability. Which means those opting for a career in journalism will have to look for new areas of specialisation.
That’s why at SWOJ we have zeroed in on health and wellness. Our expert panel from Europe and the US, after intense research and some serious partying in Goa, concluded that IAC cannot possibly solve the problem of depression, anxiety, stress, tiredness, paranoia, identity crisis (despite having a voter ID card), and toxic bio-accumulation. Reason: its members also suffer from some of these conditions. It was also concluded that the CBI cannot book the millions of disease causing germs, bacteria, and viruses. Even if it could, our jails are already full and those charged may be out on bail. Why, even the powerful Comptroller and Auditor General (CAG) as well as the Central Vigilance Commission admitted that all they could do was to check the accounts of these dreadful organisms or ascertain if they were working in connivance with doctors.
That apart, with health issues becoming a growing concern, the Rs 1 lakh crore pharmaceutical business is only destined to grow. So too is the burgeoning health care and wellness sector. There is already pressure on publications and TV channels to dedicate space to pharma and health. This demand for coverage will only increase in the days to come. Also, manufacturers of processed food trying to pass off their products as wholesome and good for the heart /liver/brain/kidney/biceps, triceps, nails, and toes will also join the queue before media houses. The future for the wellness and health correspondent is indeed bright. WPU’s ten-week programme will train students in the tricks of the trade. Here’s the breakdown of the course:
First week: Getting to know each other. Sharing Facebook info. Trading gup shup and partying with the guys from the pharma, food processing, and health care industries--generally having a good time, including spending an hour every day at the in-house spa.
Second to fifth Week: Students learn the art of being effective correspondents. The basic formula of creating panic and then providing a solution is elucidated by Professor Wolfgang Roth who has agreed to come all the way from Berlin to lecture. Since he speaks in German he will require the services of a translator (which mercifully cuts his lecturing time by 40-50 per cent).
The professor plans to cite existing examples to drive home the point. The classic case which he intends to elucidate is how a blood-thinning drug was first projected as being unsuitable and with harmful side effects. After a few weeks newspapers unveiled its safe alternative--the improved version of the same medicine. The process was repeated to be timed with the launch of the double strength version of the same medication.
The course also instructs students on how to focus on the health benefits of red wine and alcohol before a festive season. According to Professor Roth’s studies, it helps boost sales. But a few weeks later a story on how alcohol harms the liver can sell tonics and pills that claim to boost that vital organ’s functioning. Through power-point presentations the Professor will detail how salt can be dismissed as very harmful and later shown to have benefits. Vitamin pills touted as essential supplements and then debunked as being no good. Ditto organic food, rice, ghee, vegetables, fruits, and what have you. Several examples will drive home the point that wellness/health journalism is all about telling the readers that all is not well and how to get well.
Sixth to ninth week: Guru Thinker Singham (who spent ten years in the Himalayas before he realised that learning is part of understanding the world around you and that Hyderabadi Biryani is hard to find near a mountain cave) oversees this capsule. Here, through group discussions students will examine key issues: if exercising is good why does it make one feel tired; if you don’t get well do you blame god or your doctor; how does one become well-rounded spiritually without gaining weight; how do you handle hate, anxiety, and the feeling that you must bite your nails before dinner; if yoga can save the world, can it help Vijay Mallya clear his debts; and how does one cope with boredom when even wearing an expensive watch does not speed up time?
The guru has answers for everything under the sun, although he is not sure about his faculties under moonlight. For instance, his typical solution to coping with boredom is by quoting Albert Einstein (“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute…”) The guruji obviously implies that when you are bored you have relatively more time at your disposal, and that is a plus.
Tenth week: The first four days are devoted to students writing stories or at least thinking about them. The rest of the week is for the end of the course party which promises to be a wild one.
Tuition fee (all inclusive): Rs 15 lakh. (Rs 10 lakh for non-AC accommodation).
PS: A splendid time is guaranteed for all.