Here come the Har-Word experts
Dipped in Witriol
On terra firma, PriceMathurhouse Kurupers (PmK) is an unknown consultancy firm with its offices somewhere in the extended suburbs of Mumbai. But in Galaxy Abracadabra, where even the Star Trek team never reached – despite the script writers trying their utmost – PmK is known for having achieved several marketing breakthroughs that no human outfit has achieved on earth. For instance, on Planet Reboot, Mr Price Mathur and his partner, the diminutive Mr Jaggi Kurup, are veritable heroes. Reason: the runaway success of their original sales pitch for footwear in which the left shoe comes free with the other half of each pair. The duo quickly followed it up with a similar and very popular freebie for socks.
Both innovations sent shock waves through the length and breadth of Abracadabra, particularly among footwear manufacturers in Planet Adi-dada. But what was the icing on the cake for PmK was the ultimate challenge it threw at customers – a shoe called Seventh Sense priced 3,000 times (400,000 Rebouros) more than any other pair in the Galaxy. The advertising showed a rich couple in an expensive space mobile with the accompanying punchline – “They sure are successful. But are they well heeled enough to wear the Seventh Sense?” It was yet another success story.
But being toasted in Abracadabra was not enough for Messers Mathur and Kurup. The latter, having worked in coaching institutes in Kerala during his Mein Kamph years, felt it was time for PmK to diversify on earth into the sunrise industry of the millennium –education. A recent study on TV news channels and its future came in handy for Mathur and Kurup to firm up their decision to launch a teaching shop that will train journalists to double up as experts and pundits on the small screen. The proposed institute, to be affiliated to Har-Word University on Planet Reboot, will be a ‘first of its kind’ according to the draft proposal drawn up by the grown-up whiz kids of PmK.
So, what will the new institute be all about? To understand its USP, The Hoot spoke to Kurup since Mathur, being shy, feigned a fever. Excerpts from the interaction:
Q: To start – why another journalism school?
A: Well, it’s not a journalism school but let’s say a school for journalists. Studies have shown that by the year 2025 there will be 20,000 news channels nationwide. Now prime time news on each of these will be more talk and discussion than reportage. This trend, as you may have noticed, has already set in. In the next decade, we expect the duration of these TV discussions to expand to three-hour-long programmes requiring 120 experts per channel for 15 topics discussed every evening. A simple calculation will tell you that every week anybody in the TV news business will require 840 experts to keep up with the competition.
Also, industry insiders tell us that the current situation of six to eight panelists per discussion is likely to go up to 50 with technology making it possible to accommodate more and more experts. Viewers of the future will be able to see magnified images of micro pictures on the screen with special glasses provided free by the channels. This is where we literally see windows, yes, several windows, of opportunity.
Q: So, what you are suggesting is that the future will see an incredible demand for experts and pundits…
A: Exactly! Call them experts or blah-blah artists but the demand for commentators will be such that even those passing by a studio may be dragged in to face the nation and the camera. Even today it is happening. Several genuine experts have begun to shy away from TV appearances or have become very selective, leaving the field open to a B-Team of pundits, mostly journalists.
Q: Mr Kurup, how do you plan to train scribes to become experts?
A: Well, I cannot reveal all our plans but I can share some broad details. The one-year diploma hopes to orient students on how to appear intelligent on TV. For example, when confronted with an ‘I don’t know anything situation’ our advise will be to wait for others to speak so that one can get his/her act together or at least have the opportunity to second what others are saying. This will also show the expert to be a patient and accommodating person. But if confronted first up by the anchor, then the delaying tactics we propose to teach will come in handy. Phrases like ‘Well, having applied my mind over the entire issue for several long years’ and ‘There are always two sides to a coin or four wheels to a typical automobile’ can effectively be used to add on to the pros and cons already detailed in the preamble to the discussion. Since nothing new is being said other panelists are likely to butt in to be heard. Also, siding with the anchor is very effective in any given situation since they, like most editors, like to have yes men around them.
All these strategies are already being employed in edit meetings when people who have failed to read the morning papers wait for others to speak before giving their intelligent input. We will simply be adapting these tactics to TV so that ordinary folks can become experts.
Q: What are the topics you will be covering?
A: Politics, crime, fashion, Bollywood, economics, environment and science are some of the areas we have identified. But there are others too which I cannot share at this point…
Q: Science! How can a person without any understanding become an expert?
A: By and large the real experts rarely come on TV, at least while they are still working. Of course, post-retirement they wouldn’t mind making some easy money. But getting back to your question, a student trained at our institute, while participating in a discussion about a topic he/she knows nothing about, will be well armed. When asked about nuclear power, the expert will sit back and recite 10 lines of poetry from the masters and leave it to others to divine hidden meanings. In an SOS situation, medieval French verse first quoted in a language which is Greek to most Indians and then its rendering in English will save the situation. Most scientist love to spout poetry – like Dr Abdul Kalam – so the so-called expert can get away with it while pretending that science is not rocket science!
Q: Mr Kurup, can one be gainfully employed as an expert in times to come?
A: If you are a working journalist then you can substantially augment your income. But seeking a permanent employment can be difficult since you may be only called once or twice a week.