Inside jobs for outsiders

 

 

The recent appointment of Nicholas Dawes as the Chief Editorial and Content Officer by the Hindustan Times has led to much heartburn. Many senior Indian journalists are peeved that they were ignored and the newly created job given to a South African. Shri Dawes, they argue, comes from the very country which ill-treated the Father of the Nation and it did not speak well for a newspaper where the fourth son of the Mahatma, Devdas Gandhi, once worked. They allege that Dawes has been hired just to prove that HT is one up on its competitor-in-chief, the Times of India (ToI). Almost as if to confirm this, an HT brand executive boasted at a party, “We are the first paper in the new millennium to appoint a firangi as Content Officer. Others may have foreigners of Indian origin at the helm but a true-blue firang! Only the Hindustan Times could have done it.”  

 

Needless to say, his rival from the ToI was quick to point out that way back in the 1850s his paper had Robert Knight (a nationalist but nevertheless a Brit) as its editor. Later in 1892 there was Thomas Jewell Bennett. And in 1907 Stanley Reed was the innovative editor who launched the first price war in the media by cutting the price of ToI from four annas to an anna, thus increasing circulation five-fold. “What we do, HT does a century and a half later,” he said with more than a hint of pride and sarcasm. 

 

But forget the bickering. The hiring of Shri Dawes has set many minds thinking. The little known Sabko Jobs (no relative of the more famous Steve) and his Hire When you Fire agency sees in it a great opportunity. “When someone in the media does something, others simply replicate it – it’s called herd mentality. And if they are blind not to spot a trend, they simply go by what their advisors tell them – that’s heard instinct. Or the media owners simply come on board so as to not miss the bus though they always move about in fancy cars,” Mr Jobs wrote in a memo he sent to himself since there was no one else to send it to. His outfit was a one-man army that had so far failed to make much headway. But now he could finally see the tide turning. “Jobs and new jobs in the media,” he scribbled on his scratch pad even as he slipped into a reverie and dreamt of the foreigners he would place in top slots in newspapers and TV channels.  

 

When he woke up an hour later, Mr Jobs was like a bull bull (two bulls) in a Chinese mobile phone store. In his excitement he broke a few chairs, flung his cell out of the window and smashed all the china he brought from Japan. That done, he put down on paper what his mind’s eye had just seen. The result: a note marked top secret on “Foreign Human Resources Investment (FHRI) in Indian Media” which he dashed off to I&B minister Manish Tewari whose office also has in its employ that ubiquitous and sinister gentleman called Mr Sources who believes that secrets, like blood and money, must circulate. So, thanks to him we have the operative parts of Mr Jobs’ paper. Excerpts: 

 

Jobs and Foreign Hands: New slots must be created by media houses to facilitate employment of true blood (all groups – RH negative-included) firangis. This will globalise our newspapers, magazines and TV channels. And what’s more, it all dovetails with our politics where parties in power require outside support – so why not the media? This list, before you, has been compiled without charging a consultancy fee in international and national interest. Here are the new inside jobs for outsiders.   

 

Changing Youth Officer: The ideal candidate keeps changing with the times (no reference here to ToI). Chameleon-like, he/she should have the facility to become the eighth alphabet ‘H’ one day and turn up as the tenth (‘J’) the next morning. Ability to write full-page ads to transform the youth into global villagers who don’t point fingers but trim their nails and wear sneakers and ‘just do it’ will be an asset. Those who believe that they grow young with age will be preferred. Any experience at waking up people and setting morning alarms will be a plus. Job sponsor: Nike.  

 

Chief Discontent Officer: The CDO is an automatic choice for papers (in the lands through which the Cauvery flows) that already have journalists pointing fingers and blowing whistles in the dark. The main task of the person who lands the job is to get all the discontent and discontented together, rewrite crossword clues so they are indeed cross and give misleading headlines to add that all-important ‘dis’ to content.  Ability to spot-fix even TV listings to inject negativity is vital for the job. The ideal candidate should still have enough energy and will to organise a protest against the Vietnam War (decades after it is over) and find a solution to the water-sharing crisis after a particular water body has dried up. Sponsors: Cuban government and Cauvery Water Tribunal. 

 

Columniser-in-Chief: The job requires getting lesser-known columnists (even those without any writing experience) to fill up the pages of magazines and newspapers. The neo-columniser’s job is to eliminate news and replace it with views (or diagrams of Corinthian, Doric and Ionic columns designed by ancient Greek architects). Those with a theatre background and have acted as editors should consider the job theirs. Sponsor: No News is Good News Foundation.   

 

Chief Faking News Officer: The CFNO job is for those who see no distinction between breaking news and faking news. They must believe that once a channel or newspaper comes out with the F-News then it naturally becomes B-News. The fake news can be ordinary events made to look extraordinary or abstract stories which do not require substantiation – example, why is the PM looking worried, etc. It goes without saying that the CFNO has to be a man of much imagination who believes that sound and fury does signify something. Possessing a microscope inside the mind to blow news and trivia out of proportion is essential. Sponsor: IPL. 

 

Chief Tomorrow Today Executive: Publications and TV channels which are constantly looking at today and yesterday will find it worth hiring a firang who can peep into tomorrow.  The person most suited is one who has Astro connections and is on first-name terms with the planets and stars and can call Saturn or Venus without thinking twice. A foreigner who has learnt astrology and numerology from the great Indian masters and who can predict earthquakes after they occur and poll results after they are announced will be a natural choice. Ability to push the clock back by 24 hours will be a major plus. Sponsor: All India Association of Astrologers 

 

 Run the Talk Editorial Officer: Health conscious TV Channels like 48x3.5 need someone who can do interviews on the run. Ideally, a person who can Usain Bolt for half an hour leaving the interviewee way behind. This enables him to talk aloud to the videographer (Usain Bolt) about health concerns and why India fares so poorly at athletics, body-nation building and track two diplomacy. Those who are quick on their feet will be the natural choice. Sponsor: Adidas India.

 

(Those who wish to seek and meet Jobs for further information, appointment and disappointment can e-mail him at sabkojobs@naukari.aha.)