M Positive or Negative?
Following the recent elevation of Narendra Modi as the BJP's face for 2014, Division A2Z under Agent Moody Moody was asked to study the new PM-hopeful and his impact on the media.
AJITH PILLAI shares what he came up with.
Dipped in Witriol
AJITH PILLAI
If you didn’t know it, the CIA has several subsidiary outfits which engage in what can be best described as covert but meaningless research. Within the agency these organisations are collectively referred to as DMOM (Doesn’t Matter over Mind) and tasks are assigned to them as a pastime by bored officials at the CIA headquarters in Washington who derive pleasure “from making the mules run around.” For example, last Christmas one of the DMOMs was directed to research and arrive at a conclusion as to when anchors on Indian news television will move up the audio ladder and stop shouting and start screaming. And when they do that, will it be the next big sound after grunge and death metal?
The hapless twelve member team given this task (marked top secret and urgent) not only lost out on their yearly Xmas vacation but some of them came down with a Delhi belly after eating street food and vodka with a ‘chaat’ show host known to treat political discussions as golguppas. The only positives from the mission, according to a team member, was learning Hindi words like namaste and shukriya and gaining some understanding of how newscasters on prime time know exactly what a nation of 1.2 billion people want to know before going to bed. Their report ‘Shout to Scream—a Twisted Transmission’ is being currently considered by Ram Gopal Verma for a funny film-- Mein Hoon Mr Skream (MHMS)--which he hopes will be the first film where audiences will be provided ear plugs.
While triviality normally rules when it comes to DMOMs there are a few exceptions when one of the outfits lands a meaningful project. Following the recent elevation of Narendra Modi as the BJP’s prime ministerial candidate for 2014, Division A2Z under Agent Moody Moody was asked to study the new PM-hopeful and his impact on the media. Pretending to be arms agents (currently the most respectable and happening disguise in India), a 24-member team landed in Delhi and has been at work for over a fortnight now. Its initial observations were sent to Washington through diplomatic channels last week. Here are excerpts:
FACTOR M AND THE MEDIA
The Modi Factor has brought about certain discernible changes in the mindset of Indian journalists which is worth detailing. As things stand, it has already divided newsrooms into pro and anti-M camps as well as groupings of secularists, fence-sitters and those who can only think and talk politics while drinking at the Press Club. For purposes of clarity we have identified new corpuscles in the blood of those who have developed peculiar traits and altered perceptions since the Gujarat Chief Minister’s projection on the national stage. It goes without saying that an understanding of how scribes think is essential for an accurate overview of the media and how it will function in the days to come. So here are the new emerging blood groups among homo sapien journos:
M-Positive: Journalists who believe that the Gujarat Chief Minister is Superman, Batman, Spiderman and every other comic hero rolled into one. He is also a Tom Cruise (with a beard) who is capable of executing any Mission Impossible like saving 15,000 Gujaratis from flood ravaged Uttarakhand in 48 hours using 80 Innova SUVs which can fly faster than most choppers. And like any Hollywood action hero, if push comes to shove, he can jump off a flying plane and walk casually through the foyer. Superman Modi can do no wrong, and even if he does, he’s right. So, despite his role in the 2002 riots he is a secular at heart –certified by none less than rich Gujarati Muslim businessmen. Also fake encounters in Gujarat are all fake stories planted by the CBI.
Opportunist Plus: Being Manmohan positive for over nine years the scribe/editor with this blood type feels it’s time to change if has to accompany the next PM on foreign junkets. The bottom line is he/she wants to be in the good books of whoever will be in power. As for Modi, the idea is to tone down stories against him, be one’s sycophantic best in his presence and send him congratulatory notes. Such journos keep a Modi mask at home to see if wearing it makes them sleep better or frightens the spouse and kids. And what if the Gujarat CM does not finally make it to the top job? Well, then go back to attacking him and knowledgeably analyse on TV the reasons why he lost.
L.K.A. Negative: These are columnists/ reporters/ editors who till the other day sang paeans of praise for L.K. Advani and vied with each other for being part of his inner circle. But after an M-Positive transfusion they have written off LK as an old man who must give way for younger blood. They no longer seek his interviews or opinion and say that his time has come and gone. Should he by some miracle bounce back then they will get the M out of their system and rejoin his camp. Traces of Opportunistic Plus were also found in the blood samples.
L.K. A. Positive: Loyalists who believe that 80-plus is the new 30-plus. They now attack Modi and question his role in the 2002 riots. As for Advani, in their eyes he is suddenly the secular face of the BJP. His role in the Ayodhya movement and his hate speeches in the past against Muslims and minorities are all conveniently forgotten. They believe that if Sreedevi managed to stage a comeback in Bollywood after decades, so can LKA.
Negative Plus: These journalists hate the UPA and the BJP. So they attack everyone. Friends of Modi see them as M-positive by default since they are working towards the fall of the government and thus helping their leader’s march to 7 Race Course Road. Ironically, they are branded agents of the government when they attack the Gujarat Chief Minister and as supporters of the BJP cause when they take on the Manmohan Singh dispensation. They were found to carry in large numbers dormant third front corpuscles in their blood which can become active closer to elections.
Right Wing Positive: They believe that Gujarat is India, India Gujarat and repose full faith in Modi turning the country into a right wing utopia. A land where the party in power bites the bullet and sends petrol prices soaring to Rs 20,000 per litre to fuel growth, will cut jobs to trim fiscal deficit, scrap all subsidies to the poor and allow a free hand to the private sector to run the government. Modi, they feel, will deliver. In fact, short of rechristening him as Narendra Damodardas Thatcher these journalists have done everything else.
The study was conducted after analysing 10ml blood from twenty journalists/editors. Two samples had to be discarded since the results were rendered inaccurate because of alcohol in the blood stream. For the same reason we have not included those who talk politics when they are four drinks down at the Press Club.