Our own Robot-Jo
If reporters and reportage make way for"robotage", no story can be countered, much less denied.
AJITH PILLAI wonders if the situation is any different even now.
Dipped in Witriol
AJITH PILLAI
The Planning Commission’s bleak warning this week that growth rate may plummet to as low as five per cent has set the alarm bells ringing in the business community. Media managements, naturally, are also a worried lot about this latest prognosis which comes close on the heels of Standard & Poor downgrading the Indian economy. But at a farmhouse outside South Delhi (that lonely wasteland of green dotted by huge fortresses where neighbour doesn’t know neighbour unless one is visited by Amitabh Bachchan, Katrina Kaif, or some Union ministers) there was jubilation. The champagne bottles were uncorked and the slowdown of the economy toasted. “The future is ours,” said a man in a French beard dressed only in crumpled trousers and a jacket. His shirt seemed to have gone off to soak in the bath tub after being splashed with tomato ketchup leaving his tie straggling around his neck like a confused serpent which got on to the wrong flight from Kochi.
The gentleman in this decadent state of minimalist attire was none other than Prof. Geeko Nair (PGN)--often referred to as Noire by Dilli’s chic crowd-- and he was the man who just spent six years and sixteen sleepless nights (minus all those binges and efforts to persuade three broken twigs to voluntarily form a right-angled triangle) to write the programme for India’s first robot journalist. “Let’s call it Robot-Jo,” PGN declared as he helped himself to more of the bubbly. “This is the beginning of another beginning,” he said expansively to his guests, a strange mix of colleagues, friends, and media executives. “With growth slipping like this we are sure to be in business. Every newspaper, every magazine, every publication wanting to get rid of journos will be looking for their own Robot-Jo which runs on electricity and does not demand a salary and a weekly off,” he said with pride.
Having downed more of the champagne, PGN was even more ebullient. “The day is not far when all media will be controlled by Robot-Jo and his clones. There will be no reporters or reportage, only robotage. Why, if all goes well, by 2020 all our MPs will also be robots! Change the programme and they become ruling or Opposition leaders. We will rule the world.”
It all sounded bizarre. Many guests enquired whether they could see this sensational Robot-Jo. Mr Noire (oops Nair!) took a deep breath (sponsored by a popular mouthwash) and explained. “The actual physical shape is being worked on by experts from Bollywood. Our stylists are working on the finer looks. You know portraits of a robot as a journalist! They will finally come in all shapes and sizes—young, old, north Indian, south Indian, male, female, etc.” He also added that there would be Robot editors called Pliables since they will be programmed to toe the management line.
“Mr Noire,” said a correspondent of an American weekly, “You have said so much. Can you at least demonstrate what your Robot can do?”
“Right now what we have is the programme that will guide the physical form. But let me give you a demonstration by asking the machine to create/process news,” PGN said. And then, without much ado he cajoled the computer console set up in the middle of the room like a rock musician his synthesizer. And lo behold! The machine began whirring, the lights dimmed, and something flashed on the giant screen above. (Incidentally, the forthcoming information is courtesy NASA which kept track of the goings on in the farmhouse via satellite. The IB operatives who scouted around saw no activity beyond grown up adults keeping a late night, playing with computers, gorging on fast food and drink). So here is what the guests saw on the screen:
(Lights out)
“A story that cannot be denied- I: (For all cities, time zones, 365 days a year):
City on high alert
The police in the city are on high alert. According to police sources, any threat will be taken head on and there will be no room for complacency. Suspicious movement of traffic will be monitored. All officers have been instructed to be on guard and to review the security situation periodically. There is no question of laxity on the part of the force.
According to senior officers, the police are always expected to be on guard. And it must respond in quick time in the event of an emergency…”
(Lights on)
PGN on microphone: “Isn’t that an example of a perfect story. No police official will deny it. If someone does, then it would amount to saying that the force is not on alert or not watching suspicious movement.”
*******
“Story that won’t be denied --II
PMO: Government wants growth
Officials in the PMO confirmed that the well being of the country was the government’s top priority. “We are looking towards inclusive growth,” said an official. According to him, the PM was very focused on overall development. “Different sectors have their own concerns,” he said adding “it is for the government to examine all the issues involved. A wholesome push forward is what we are looking at…”
(Light on)
PGN: “No one can refute this story for obvious reasons, including the PM. A clear winner!”
*************
“The scoop:
Maoists may send man to the moon!
It is reliably learnt that Techie Anna, Techie Asif, Techie Madhu, Techie Balwinder, Techie Manu, and Techie Moon Moon are working on a project to land a Maoist on the lunar surface. Having worked with rocket launchers and ICBMs using improvised autorickshaw technology, the reds operating from the dense Dandakaranya forests along the Andhra Pradesh-Orissa border have already begun the countdown for the mission to the moon.
When contacted, intelligence officials said anything was possible with the Maoists and IB experts were currently studying Das Kapital to see whether it had any coded information on secret flight paths to the moon. “Though pushing 70 plus, these Naxals don’t give up and may have chosen the moon to find a safe haven. What’s equally worrying is that they have already stepped up the manufacture of rocket launchers, anti-aircraft bows and arrows, and laser guided catapults and are selling these in the international arms market probably to fund the moon mission,” an intelligence official said.
According to CIA sources, the man chosen for the lunar mission is Comrade Chandran (the name means moon in his native Malayalam) and was the tea boy who served chai to the late Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin when they set foot on the moon in 1969. Incidentally, a rebel Maoist, using a nuclear propelled craft assembled from Chinese toy parts in Warangal, Andhra Pradesh, has already crossed Pluto…”
(Lights on)
PGN: “Neither the Maoists, the IB, or the CIA are known to either confirm or deny such reports. A mouth watering scoop!”
*********
Court reporting in the times of restraint:
AB murder case
Justices XYZ of the Supreme Court heard the case at 11.35 am.
Next hearing: 25/9/2012. Timing: 11.30 am.
Court atmospherics: Calm despite a western disturbance.
(Lights on)
PGN: “This keeps reporting well within the Lakshman rekha recently recommended by the apex court. No comments, no editorializing…“
The audience applauded, and PGN took a bow. This was the moment that he had been waiting for. But the American journalist was out to spoil the party. “Mr Noire,” he observed rather slyly: “aren’t there enough reporters who churn out such stories? Do we really need robots?” Before he could be told that human reporters had to be paid salaries while robots worked for free, somebody switched off the lights and all hell broke loose. A free for all followed.
The next day’s papers reported gossip about a farmhouse brawl in which an angry guest thinking he was a robot--perhaps inspired by Rajnikant--beat up guests including journalists…