Patrakar banega IAS

In a strange atmosphere of bonhomie, only seen at weddings and birthdays, representatives of the two sides held a secret parley in Delhi last week. And, setting aside all ideological differences and indifferences, they came to an understanding that they felt “will change the very concept of governance in the country.” Of course, needless to say, the possibility of neither party coming to power was not even on the agenda and therefore not subjected to any discussion.

Following the historic ‘meeting of consensus’, the two sides met The Hoot for what many would claim these days to be an ‘exclusive briefing.’ “I am pleased to inform you that ahead of World Press Freedom Day which falls on May 3, both parties have agreed that we will formally honour journalists by involving scribes in vital decision- making and the governing process. So post 2014 along with tender and not so tender notices, expect UPSC advertisements inviting applications from journalists, particularly those who have a view on everything under the sun, including why God chose the Four Seasons when he could have stayed at the Taj Mumbai,” the BJP’s chief representative at the meeting wearing a Modi mask told The Hoot. One suspects that the gentleman in question is the neta known for his weakness for puns and one-liners.

Anyway, that apart, he also revealed that the two parties agreed on everything except how the new IAS wing should be spelt and whether caviar should be served or if glucose biscuits would go equally well with the bubbly that was to be popped after the meeting. “If the BJP is as sensible when it comes to allowing Parliament to function then things will be a good deal better,” a Congress leader wearing a Rahul Gandhi mask observed with an air of seriousness. To this his BJP counterpart came up with this retort: “In Parliament we have agreed to disagree. Outside the House we have agreed not to disagree except on matters trivial.” The champagne obviously was still fizzing.

So, what is this new IAS with journos all about? Here are details (subject to clearance by the bureaucracy!) that we have managed to piece together:

It’s all in the name: The proposed new arm of the government will be the Indian Advisory Service (IAS). The BJP is okay with the name but feels that the Congress position to add an extra ‘a’ to advisory for numerology reasons was not warranted. However, it was agreed that if the Congress does manage to return to power it can add the extra alphabet even though it will appear as a mistake on spellcheck. So, IAS it will be with Advisory or Aadvisory. The new outfit will harness the penchant among journalists to offer advice and solutions to problems including electoral arithmetic.

The job: It was felt that currently journalists with nation-building ideas can merely write, and, though the pen is mightier than the sword, neither can be a bureaucrat even if given a safari suit and a car with a lal batti (red light). That aside, the Congress and the BJP were of the view that all the ‘rich’ ideas that journalists are born with should be utilised to save the country, the economy, agriculture and counter culture. As a Congress leader put it: “We must make the great men walk the talk and not merely write the talk.” For the record, his party is very clear that he did not say this with any sarcasm intended. Incidentally, his view was seconded by the BJP which said that the “journos must take a leaf out of Narendra Modi’s book (of accounts and non-accountability) and implement their grand ideas on the ground (underground if it’s coal or petroleum).”

It was agreed that those selected for the IAS will have to attend a training programme at either the BJP or Congress headquarters depending on which party comes to power. There a team of bureaucrats will acquaint the trainees with various forms of red tape – saffron or charkha spun. They will also be familiarised with catch phrases and what they mean while in government. These will include “many a slip between the file and the noting, easier said, even easier not done, the proof of the policy is in the roadblocks, freedom of depression is guaranteed under the Constitution and an edit is not an edict.”

Working conditions: The fully trained IAS journos will enjoy the unique freedom of working for their papers and TV channels and at the same time being part of the government. Right now RBI and Planning Commission reports are penned by senior journalists in a covert manner. Being in the IAS will legitimise their ‘valued’ contribution. So too will their appearance on state-run television.

Prospective IAS officers need to only attend office whenever they wish and wherever they wish. An office could be where the IAS man/woman is – after hours in a newspaper office, or, at a bar when happy hours kick in. Work for the day (except weekends) involves sending pearls of wisdom in triplicate. Alternatively three e-mails to the same address will suffice.         

 An added plus is that the IAS man/woman can continue to be critical of those in power, write their edits on policy making and ‘notion’ building and seek answers to questions that the entire nation wants to know and never ever gets.

Salary & perks: First the perks. Car of choice with a flashing red beacon of status. Access to five stars in both urban and rural areas (if and when plush hotels come up there). Free air/rail tickets for self and family.  A bodyguard with AK-47 or a free supply of deodorant (desi, videshi or duplicate) of choice till in active service. A guaranteed place in the shortlist of Padma awardees for four years.

Salary will be below Rs 5 per annum but not less than one rupee. This is to ensure that the work done for the sarkar is seen as service to the notion of the nation-state.                          

Spinoff for the government: A journalist who turns advisor cannot be an adversary in the true sense. He can be critical, but not too critical. Also, if the solution he/she offers doesn’t work then it won’t be criticised. A BJP leader summed it all up: “We don’t have a tradition in India of journalists being self-critical. So, if they hysterically say go to war with Pakistan or China and we do and as a result suffer losses they wouldn’t admit they were wrong. Instead they will demand we declare a Third World War and become part of the First World.”

Well, well, all said and done, if the Congress-BJP are to believed, then if the IAS does happen it will be small step for the government but a giant PR leap for journalists. So, all hail the Advisors-to-be...