Snappy rather than happy

But before going any further it would be pertinent to point out that PC.com is run by the redoubtable Professor Pressona Non-grata (PNG) – he opted for this peculiar name after being given the marching orders for coming late for an edit meeting. It was PNG’s first job and he was asked to leave despite never having got his left-right-left correct while in the Boy Scouts. However, despite this disadvantage, he marched an unprofessional march and launched a market survey agency. Within months the outfit attracted notice with the study “When reporters opt for Mars, why editors prefer (Cadbury) five star bars.” It was a seminal study on the chocolate buzz after copious consumption of alcohol and sent newspapers owners into a tizzy.

PNG followed this up with conclusive evidence that 97% people who read newspapers did so solely because they knew the alphabet and not because they were interested in increasing readership. Of course, the standard 3% said they didn’t know and wouldn’t say and were happy with the Rs 200 paid to them by PC.com for feigning ignorance. Similar studies on TV channels (“Why does the buck stop here when there are greener pastures?” and “Do audiences sleep while the TV is on unconsciously improving viewership ratings?”) have made PC.com a much-feared agency.

PNG’s latest offering – the Angst Survey – is something that the man himself describes as his bouquet and brickbat for the media. Like the Happiness Poll, it includes journalists from small towns in its ambit. Here are the responses to key questions posed to scribes:

Are you angry that despite all the media effort India has yet not declared war on Pakistan?

(a) Almost all TV anchors polled felt let down that they were denied the opportunity to claim their channel had exclusively instigated the war in ‘national interest and honour’. A majority were of the view that the media initiative which crossed the line of all control was not matched by the army’s wait-and-watch approach along the LoC; (b) 80% TV and print reporters were against an immediate conflict since they did not wish to travel to the border in the bitter winter while anchors/ editors sat in the comfort of the head office; (c) 97% journalists in Indore, Cuttack and Kochi said war meant nothing to them since they wouldn’t be sent to report from the front and (d) 3% said they Didn’t Know/ Couldn’t Say (DKCS).  

Do you get edgy when salaries are delayed?

(a) 97% admitted they felt like governments in bankrupt European states and dreamt of holding up a bank or stealing from their kid’s piggy bank and (b) 3% felt that there was still enough money to be made by remaining in a permanent state of DKCS.   

Why do scribes based outside the national capital hate journalists from Delhi?      

(a) The popular vote was that Dilliwallas and Dilliwallis have a big brother/big sister attitude and even reporters boast they know Rahul Gandhi and L K Advani (editors claim the two leaders actually consult them!); (b) 80% hated the fact that journos in the national capital believed that the entire country is concerned about Delhi’s weather and civic problems; (c) 97% polled in Madurai, Dharamsala and Vijaywada said school/college admissions were difficult in their cities too and not just in Dilli and (d) 3% conveniently ducked the question with a DKCS.

What makes you lose your cool and shoots up your BP?      

(a) As many as 97% editors polled pointed out that it upset them when reporters were unable to get an exclusive story through Google search or on the phone and insisted on travel. An equal number said that they felt deeply embarrassed when a socialite cancels a dinner pleading he is busy and is spotted in the company of a rival editor. Editors admitted that their worst day in office is when employees ask for increments instead of donating a part of their salaries for the welfare of the company; (b) a sizeable majority of reporters/sub editors revealed they hated being told to pull up their socks when the boss taking them to task needed to do just that. Also, they resented the expression ‘shape up or ship out’ when the office neither invested in a gym nor was there a port within a thousand miles; (c) 95% hated long-drawn meetings where one is forced to sleep with eyes open. 

What is it that you hate about your work?

(a) A sizeable majority of photographers said they felt let down when editors/designers bypass them and source photographs of Jantar Mantar or Marina beach from agencies based in Paris, Stockholm, Frankfurt or Nairobi; (b) almost all reporters resented the days when they are asked by their bosses to confirm whether the news breaking on twitter that Sonia Gandhi had brought barfi from Delhi’s Bengali Market was indeed true; (c) over 90% were allergic to office parties when a mean editor tries to play Mr Nice Guy and (d) they disliked seniors who pretended they were know-alls when they were not.   

 Given the choice, which is the job you would you opt for inside or outside of journalism?

(a) A sizeable section of reporters said they would rather be editors provided their current bosses worked under them and filed exclusives every day on Arvind Kejriwal; (b) 97% said their second choice was being a power broker; (c) Over 80% wanted to be politicians and (d) the 3% that normally fell into the DKCS  category showed keen interest in opening a market research agency which would startle the world with findings like how men and women in Jaipur had a better night life than the lions and lionesses of Gir who had no access to even a lounge bar in dry Gujarat.

In all, the PC.com poll has 50 probing questions. Many of them could not be included in this report because of explicit language resorted to by respondents. These will be released on demand provided the recipients sign a bond that they will read it after 11 pm when the kids have gone to sleep. Any violation is liable for punishment and could result in the guilty having to memorise Gazette of India notifications for a year or alternatively 10 longest sermons of Asaram Bapu.