Your news 'peg' may be spiked

Last week, as a purely private exercise, a team of retired officials of the Comptroller and Auditor General (CAG) looked at the recently released annual report of the Press Club of ‘India’ located in Delhi (where else?). Luckily, they found nothing in the accounts to make Anna Hazare fast at Jantar Mantar although the fact that liquor sales hit a new high of Rs 10,972,649 made them note, “The number of working-drinking journalists has gone up.” Crucially, the team also investigated if the drinks served in the club were being spiked with dangerous substances by the ISI or some other anti-India agency. One is happy to note that they discovered no additives in the alcohol except those requested by members – soda, water, lime cordial etc.  

The last bit of their probe was an appendix to a covert and tangential investigation done by Team CAG over six months which would be of interest to every thinking and non-thinking journalist. Working closely with former members of the Federal Drug Agency (FDA) in the US, apna own ex-auditors stumbled on a plot (no reference to any land for sale advertisement) to ‘poison and influence’ the minds of ‘unsuspecting’ Indian journalists. Now, you may wonder who is behind this ‘dastardly’ conspiracy. Well, the identity of the masterminds is not known although Team Retired are convinced that a Joint Parliamentary Committee (JPC) can divine the truth provided it does not simultaneously look into the VVIP chopper deal and holiday in Italy. “This sinister move has nothing to do with Swiss accounts or black money – it relates to the use of drugs or, to put it more medically, pharmaceutical and virus-triggered interventions to alter the worldview of those gathering news,” an ex-FDA official observed in the draft report tentatively titled ‘Watch Out! The Drugs are Ticking’ which, incidentally, is also being considered by Ram Gopal Verma for his next horrific film.

Well, members of Team FDA-CAG may have found nothing at the Press Club but discovered several news ‘pegs’ for their report while downing several for the road not taken at what must be Delhi’s cheapest watering hole. “Since we are ex-men we must be pardoned for our excesses. In any case, poisoning the mind can very well happen through whisky,” said a man from CAG who till the other day was calculating how much notional money was being wasted each time a traffic signal turns red and whether the assets thus lost could be better deployed for setting up hospitals for accident victims…

That aside, the preliminary finding of the Team, which is high on imagination, identifies the drugs and viruses that are being secretly administered on unsuspecting journalists and the manner in which this is being done. So here go selective excerpts of the preliminary report leaked by Mr Sources, the man in whom every thinking journalist reposes so much faith:

LSD (Lie-Sirjee-Dhamaka): A drug injected (using disposable syringes) by mosquitoes masquerading in polka dots and pretending to be butter (better) flies, it makes journalists believe half-truths and lies. It also makes them think that the news they have is an explosive exclusive. The drug can alter perception so that two wrongs suddenly seem to be a right and being prevented from driving long distance in reverse gear is a clear infringement of freedom of choice.

NBD (Noise Before Downer): Usually transmitted by special hand-held ultra-sonic transmitters. The wave-form narcotic emitted finds its way into nasal passages sensitive to sound. Recipients think that any story is a great story. The result: overhyping an event which dies out a few hours later, leaving readers/viewers with a hangover and a sense of much ado about nothing. Those under the influence of NBD can experience momentary lapse of reason and may nurture the illusion that they have the nose for news.

WMD (Weapons of Media Destruction): This comes in the form of liquid drops which can be added to any food or drink. Editors and owners are the prime targets. Those administered the drug are liable to take wrong self-destructive decisions. Appoint the wrong person, sack the right people and dig their own grave when they ought to be doing better things like eating raisins and not paying peanuts to people who work for them.

AIDS (Acquired Intelligence Deficiency Syndrome): A virus that can be communicated via satellite or simply couriered in a gift, it can have devastating effect on the brain. It is believed to take its toll on those who secretly think they know everything, including the shape of things to come. Once the virus gets active (after it has gone for a drive taking the victim’s car and has had a good drink) the more the individual infected thinks the more his/her intelligence shrinks. This happens while the patient falsely believes that mental evolution is taking place. As the infection spreads, the defence mechanism that once pointed out flaws in thinking fails, and a presumptuous sense of being better than the best takes over. In some extreme cases auditory hallucinations can occur when those afflicted can hear voices that tell them that they can save the nation and set the agenda for future generations.

PMV (Patriot Multi-Vitamin): This comes in a capsule form and is recommended by the manufacturers for journalists who want to develop a ‘love’ for their country. The pill cures one of every self-analytical ‘ill.’ This makes regular users (two tablets before going to bed and one each time one thinks poorly of plagiarised Bollywood songs) believe that they have to fight to save the honour of the country. Designed like miniature Patriot Missiles the drug comes in two flavours – better, and change for the better. Strongly recommended for those reporting/editing a story on anything labeled ‘anti-Indian’.

MoM (Man of the Moment): Delivered and injected by a Special Purpose Vehicle (SPV) – a microscopic Nano which runs on dhokla – the drug can make one believe that Narendra Modi is already the Prime Minister of India and Gujarat is India and India, Gujarat. Selective amnesia is seen among constant users who forget uncomfortable wrongs of the past. 

As pointed out earlier, the CAG-FDA report is in the process of being finalised. Queries sent to all parties concerned (including those who favour late-night partying) are being awaited. March 31 is the last date set for accepting responses. Submissions after that date will hopefully be included in next year’s report…