Deep Down
No, ¿tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church door; but ¿tis enough, ¿twill serve.
Romeo and Juliet
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Scene: Ideation Room in a TV news channel¿s head office. Weekly ideation meeting
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News Boss: And talking of international affairs, who put up all those topless pictures of Carla Bruni in the corridors?
Milieu Person: I asked for them, Madam, I thought it would give a French flair to our people, make them think….
News Boss: It makes them think of the wrong things. Remove them. Next, the borewell situation. Marketing has something to say on that.
Marketing Head: Yes, well, this is a new field for us, it¿s only about eighteen months so we don¿t have much data to go by. But the survey we commissioned around the New Year indicated that our viewers would like to see, on average, 7.87 children falling down borewells/ wells/ quarries/ mineshafts every year, and 1.19 of those ending tragically.
News Boss: They don¿t mind what kind of hole it is?
Marketing Head: No, Madam, as long as it¿s at least 30.91 metres deep.
News Boss (aside): Was this one of our in-house surveys, or done properly?
Marketing Head: Oh no, Madam, it was for us, so it was pukka.
News Boss: Well, we¿re one quarter into 2008 and all we have to show for three months is one kid, this Vandana near
Marketing Head (to Field Executive No. 1): Where¿s
Field Executive No. 1: It¿s near the Taj Mahal.
Marketing Head: It¿s near the Taj Mahal, Madam.
News Boss: Oh, what a pity, if I¿d known I could have spoken to Ronnie and done a tie-up. God knows we gave him enough free publicity for Jodhaa Akbar. This kid was how many hours in there, and how old was she?
Marketing Head (beaming): Madam, we hit the bull in the eye on that! Our viewers want not more than one day in the well, or else they lose interest, and Vandana was there for 27 hours. They want a child who is old enough to cry for her parents, but not old enough to climb ropes, and Vandana was perfect, two years and three months!
News Boss (acidly): Well, I¿m glad you got something right. But we¿re – wait a moment – 0.9675 behind on our target for the quarter, and I¿m not even mentioning tragedies. What are you doing about it?
Marketing Head (to Field Executive No. 1): What are you doing about it?
Field Executive No. 1: Well, as you said, it¿s a new field, and we¿re feeling our way. After the first couple of incidents, the villagers are being more careful; they¿re not letting their children go near pits and suchlike.
News Boss: Amazing, you mean they really care? I mean, there are plenty more, right? However, I¿d like to hear from our ideas people on this.
Idea Person No. 1 (near the foot of the table): We thought of digging a couple of borewells ourselves….
Idea Person No. 2 (below him): But it takes a few lakhs to dig a borewell deep enough to get water these days, the aquifer in most parts is at 300 feet….
News Boss: Who cares about the aquifer, stupid? All we want is a hole deep enough for a kid to fall into. You heard Marketing, 30.91 metres. That¿s 100-odd feet. We got Bisleri here, don¿t we? So are you digging any holes?
Field Executive No. 2: We¿ll get right on to it, Madam.
Marketing Head: Another thing, we don¿t have any kids falling into holes in south
Field Executive No. 2: They don¿t dig borewells any more in the south. They¿ve run out of water.
Marketing Head: Well, see what you can do. There must be lots of other holes. Our surveys indicate that our viewers would like occasionally to hear anguish in a language they don¿t understand.
News Boss: All this is beside the point. What are we doing to meet our targets?
Field Executive No. 1: It¿s up to the ideas people.
Idea Person No. 1: We thought, if the field people could arrange for a soft landing….
Idea Person No. 2: We thought about parachutes….
Field Executive No. 2: No good, the evidence would be there, once the child was rescued. And nowadays the Army is involved in the rescue.
News Boss: You mean there are people in the Army who can recognise a parachute when they see one?
Field Executive No. 2: There¿s always a chance. And the villagers might, they watch a lot of HBO and AXN.
Idea Person No. 1: How about a field man going down first to cushion the fall?
Field Executive No. 1: He¿d have to be there longer than the kid, and he¿d have to be well hidden, and we¿d have to pay for the ICU….
News Boss: Forget that, I¿m not shelling out any more on health insurance.
Idea Person No. 2: Maybe we could lay out tracks of chocolates from the village….
Field Executive No. 2: The dogs would get them before the kids.
News Boss: Say, listen. Are your field men on salary, or contract?
Field Executives 1 and 2: On contract, Madam, of course.
News Boss: Then they¿re making a nice living off us, without tax. Let them put their own kids on the line. Tell them to figure out a way so the kids land safe and survive for 24 hours – but it must be their own kids. Contract only people with a profile that suits the scenario.
Idea Person No. 1: What an idea!
News Boss: Yeah, that¿s why I¿m heading this channel and you¿re at the bottom of the table. You take a 20 per cent cut in your pay for next month, for making me do your work.
Secretary (bursting in): Madam, so sorry, terrible news! The Field people sank a borewell in Jaisalmer and they¿ve struck oil! A whole village is drowned in scum!
News Boss: Omigosh. Where¿s Jaisalmer? You, cancel all of Anil¿s ads. You, get me Mukesh on the phone. And you, send a camera team at once. Wait a minute, what¿s Mukesh¿s number?