Appucalypso now

IN Opinion | 23/11/2012

 Dipped in Witriol
AJITH PILLAI

Swami Appucalypso is known for his brevity with words. His remarkably long pause between each syllable has been attributed to the fact that he learnt rather early in life that silence is gold. And he has been raking in the moolah thanks to the queue of people waiting to catch his pearls of wisdom as it reluctantly leaves the oyster called his lips. Incidentally, the good Swami, who never had the ill-effects of a university education, read enough philosophy to understand good and bad and how each depended on the other for their individual identities.

During his cave period (in the Aravalli Hills outside Delhi) he penned a few treaties which have acquired cult status among those who believe that thoughts that come to the mind during meditation in low light is akin to thinking out of the box. To his credit Swami Appucalypso raised several questions for which many are still trying to find answers. These include: (a) if an aircraft flies at the speed of the earth around the sun (108,000 km per hour) and follows the trajectory of constant sunrise for 24 hours would there be any passage of time for the passengers on board; (b) can one claim insurance during after-life if it does exist and; (c) if god had a choice would he opt for a change of profession?      

But more than all these metaphysical queries, predicting the future and setting it to reggae music has been Appucalypso’s forte.  He did this by looking into his crystal ball (CB), committing furiously to paper what he could foresee and then strumming his guitar on off beat and singing all about it till his cars and cows came home. However, efforts to record his songs about the shape of things to come proved to be in vain since he sung on frequencies above or below the human auditory range.

Anyway, that apart, in 1992 when he looked into his CB for 24 hours he created history. Not only did he predict several natural disasters (including Ram Gopal Verma’s horror movie flops) but could also foresee changes in the media--paid news, 24x7 news channels, sting operations, Page 3 journalism--Swami Appucalypso knew it all. Now two decades later, the Swami went back to his CB (“I’m going to have a ball,” he told his flunkeys) and has come up with his next set of predictions. Here is his take on the media:

Cars for all journos: After sale of petrol is banned, hand-me-down cars used by media honchos will be gifted to lower-order journalists (phyllum scribeolowerpia). These vehicles (Honda-Shonda-Ford–Shord and Merciless Bends) may come to be used by kids as a giant toy or by adults who believe that pushing cars and fighting for parking space is a form of exercise.

The new match fixation: Stories of the cricket match fixing kind will be passé. But spy cam exposes on arranged marriages is likely to be the rage. In fact, a future fixation that could threaten TV soaps. So, news channels and print media (you could read it on your tablet too) will have exposes on how Dolly’s dad convinced Pappu’s papa to let the kids take the plunge before death or lack of depth do them apart.

Twitter, twitter goes page one: Only headlines, no body copy, will be rule in the future age of minimalism. A sampling: “Oppn says go, PM says no; Rs 1,000-crore chicken feed scam: Thank god it wasn’t 2,000 crore, 5,000 crore or 10,000 crore--FM; Train goes off track-latter not complaining; This Sunday also declared a holiday.” These headlines in 45 point type will dominate the front page giving all the news and juice. Journalism schools are advised to teach students the art of twittering so they can survive in the brave new world where less will be in.

The cool cut: Papers for the young will have a language all its own. “Man, we don’t dig this law; Like, what’s the big deal about levies on chewing gum?; Subsidise jeans, tax the suits and ties; shake hands with the Pakis and give da man a remix that’s cool.” This is what I see in my CB and believe me it does look freaked out!

Hinglish Vinglish: City pages will have a new lingua franca. “CM retire karna mangta. PM’s suit which darzee ne design kiya? Yeh restaurant hum never bhoolenge! Be Mast like all of us. One more takkar, one more chakkar. One, two teens involved.” Unbelievable, but true--these are some of the headlines I saw.     

Page 3 journalism turns intellectual: Writers, thinkers, and poets will be given the opportunity to display their skills to turn Page 3 into literature. Here is how a Bollywood star will be described in her new dress: Reena, still unravish'd bride of quietness/ Thou foster-child of silence and slow time,
Sylvan historian, who canst thus express / A flowery fashion tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
What leaf-fring'd legend haunt about thy shape /Sculpted by VLCC or deities…”(PS: one would have to credit most of it to John Keats but what is good writing without plagiarism?).

And here is a gossip item I saw in my CB: “He, the Adonis of the world that extends from Juhu to Goregaon--the acerages of urban decay where among the garbage lurks many a future slumdog millionaire--stood silent. He lit a cigarette, took a deep puff knowing that if he didn’t he would have to breathe the polluted air of the bar where stars come and go talking about Anurag Kashyap and GI Joe. He looked vacantly at the ceiling and thought of that day in Tihar Jail when he heard bed bugs discussing the stock market and having a fight over Palestine. Oh that day! When all things material became immaterial and his own role as a jailor in some non-descript movie became a slice of time, a piece of a cakewalk. Thus in deep thoughts submerged he heard a voice of a woman. “Let’s go out for some fresh air,” she said and he agreed. Adonis had found his Venus.”

Rap edits: It all starts with the last edit written in rap lingo and then the crap spreads all around. Here is something from February 2, 2020: “We don’t wanna give the PM an Osca/ He can’t pass the tests on the floora of the Housa/ He ain’t finished eating his pasta, in the parking lot of da Wallmart plaza/ He ain’t doin’ nothin’ about education or price rise, he ain’t giving us no surprise…” 

Interestingly, while Swami Appucalypso sees several changes in the media in his crystal ball he says some things will remain the same: journalists will be poorly paid; managements will say they are not making money; and editors will continue to believe that they can change the world when the world is actually changing them…