How to bankroll the 2014 poll

The last time the League of No False Notions (LNFN) met was in 2008, a little over a year before the general elections that saw the UPA return to power at the Centre. Now, after five cycles of 12 months each, its members were invited for an emergency meeting in the second week of February to assess the gains to be made in the run-up to 2014, which will witness the ‘mother’ of all polls. Incidentally, for those who like to keep track of such things, the ‘father’ disappeared into the thick polluted air after the last big battle for the ballot. Unconfirmed reports suggest that he was seen engaged in an intense discussion with an official of a PR agency over cheques and balances, which finally inspired the two to dance the bhangra and catch a private plane to an unknown destination between the equator and the Tropic of Cancer.

The long and short of it is that the Pop of all polls is expected to return only in 2019. And the PR exec has expressed his desire to be footloose and fancy-free for the next two decades and has written to friends that “counting notes is better than waiting for the Election Commission to count votes.”

That aside, for those not in the know, the LNFN is an informal group of senior representatives from the management and editorial of publications and the electronic media who meet whenever their palms itch at the prospect of making big, big money. Prominent members dream of buying a hotel in the south of France and acquiring a luxury liner which can be docked in farmhouses outside Delhi and rented out for Titanic theme parties. Strangely, such grandiose visions visit these ladies and gents only when the countdown to a major election begins. And that happened with Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi recently throwing his mask into the ring at Delhi’s Sri Ram College of Commerce and virtually declaring himself as the BJP’s Prime Ministerial candidate for 2014.

But all this is reported news. To get to the point, the second meeting of the LNFN in a Delhi five-star was called to order with the singing of the Bollywood hit ‘Sabse bada rupaiya’ (Honey, Nothing Bigger than Money) and members reciting the pledge of allegiance to the LNFN. In his opening remarks, the chairman of the League, a non-descript man with a beard who looks like all men with beards, reminded the gathering that the opportunity to maximize profits must not be wasted since big ticket elections happen once in five years. He then went on to spend some time reiterating to those present that they were “E&S (evolved and sold) souls” who were not willing to become prisoners of press freedom like old school editors who hated the stranglehold of advertisers over the media.

 “Luckily,” he observed, “the realisation has dawned on people like us that there is nothing wrong in making a fast buck, whether it is black or white. We are also those who swear by the dictum that the difference between paid and unpaid news is that one makes money while the other earns you brownie points which doesn’t pay for your cookies, wafers or microchips.” Thunderous applause followed with demands for an encore. So the chairman read his speech all over again before declaring that proceedings could begin. Here are the minutes of the discussions that ensued.

FREEBIES FOR MODI: The unanimous view was that the upper middle class obsession with Narendra Modi must be cashed in on.  A buy-one-get-one-free-plus-a-can-of- whitewash scheme was mooted for all ads to be released by the Gujarat government showcasing the state’s development. As an added incentive, free space in Indian media for bubble gum manufactured by EU countries, was suggested under the “EU-Modi- Bhai-Bhai” banner. It was also noted that MoUs signed during Vibrant Gujarat programmes since 2003 (which added up to $876 billion till 2011 – larger than $600 billion FDI inflows into China during the same period!) could also be tapped for ads. Similarly, it was felt that special schemes must be drawn up for paid news with free anti-Rahul/Sonia Gandhi stories and, as an extra, weekly discussions on prime time featuring the same experts who furiously debated whether a mooli (radish) can turn into a carrot if it blushes.

REMEMBER THE CONGRESS PARTY: While making hay when Moditva shines found much favour, many members pointed out that ads from UPA-ruled states, the Central government as well as the Congress party must also be factored in. As one representative from a TV channel put it: “The Manmohan Singh government will be the single largest advertiser in the elections. Add to that the Congress party and you are talking of millions.” It was decided that the buy-one-get-one-free-with-whitewash scheme must be extended to the UPA-Congress as well. Five packets of Surf (or detergent of choice) for every tenth ad was recommended to facilitate Congressmen secretly washing dirty linen, skeletons and chopper deals. It was also felt that paid news featuring Rahul Gandhi is a must. Stories like the one projecting the Prince of 10 Janpath as a man inventing himself with a little help from DRDO scientists were suggested by marketing executives to ‘inspire friends in editorial’.       

DON”T PUT ALL EGGS IN ONE BASKET: The meeting was reminded that in 2009 the media thought that the UPA would not return to power and batted for the NDA. Many editors went out their way to praise L K Advani who, they believed, would take over the reins from Dr Manmohan Singh. But the results proved otherwise and several corrective measures had to be taken since none of the eggs in the NDA basket hatched. A senior editor had this to say for the record:  “Several of us had to quickly eat our words and this was difficult since their bitter taste clashed with the sweets being distributed by the Congress. Luckily, the UPA in the euphoria of its victory forgave us and even took us back into its fold. But let us not make the same mistake. So I suggest that we do occasional stories attacking BJP/Narendra Modi and pass these off as paid news planted by the Congress.” The suggestion was applauded since many felt it would also project the media as being chameleon-like and not biased towards the colour of any particular party’s flag!

A NATIONAL PERSPECTIVE: It was felt that a steering committee must be set up which would drive around the country to study media requirements of all political parties. The information collected would then be fed into a computer which will draw up strategies which can help the money-making cause as well as identify good eateries where space-sellers and paid news canvassers can eat while on the road.