Is your salary giving you the slip?

IN Opinion | 15/11/2012

Dipped in Witriol

AJITH PILLAI

They say justice delayed is justice denied. The same sort of truism applies with salaries not paid on time. Right now several media houses are going through what managements classify as hard times. And those helpless and much maligned guys in accounts, who avoid or look through you when finally accosted in a dark alley, can only console you by saying that delayed salaries is a lot better than being jobless. So, every month as the days and weeks go by, many cash-strapped journalists look at their barren bank balance quite like farmers surveying scorched land and praying for rain.

The gravity of the situation can be explained with this fictitious scenario: imagine you are working for a daily publication such as, say, “Bhai! Bahar Nazar Rakh”--“Boss! Look Out” (BLO) if one loosely translates it. It’s a middle-of-the-road paper that devotes itself to crime stories--corporate, underworld, politics and the like. For the last six to eight months it has been paying its employees well after the 20th leading to a medical condition called low monetary count (LMC). A patient suffering from it can slip into dreams of splurging money at a seaside resort, seriously consider buying at least the tyres of a Mercedes S-Class for starters, and may develop a penchant for buying lottery tickets on borrowed money. (Behavioral Changes Caused by LMC, Dr Mani Penny, Journal of the Moradabadi Medical Gharana, 2006).

Anyway, that apart, known otherwise for paying its employees modestly but on time, the management of BLO decided to finally act. It roped in the services of Mere Jung (MJ)--not to be confused with the Bollywood film title--an HR consultant with a psychoanalytical and Jungian approach to employee-employer relations. Its representatives first held a series of meetings with a senior member of BLO’s editorial team. Yes, the very gentlemen who earned a name for himself in Mumbai’s rarefied twitter circles for crunching Kafka’s Metamorphosis into two sentences--“Travelling salesman Gregor Samsa transformed into a giant insect one morning. It was very tough to like him ever since.”

But to go beyond such details, the Mere Jungians, after studying the layout of the office and subjecting journalists to analysis to see if their sense of general unease was caused by (a) the US invasion of Iraq (b) only loose change in their wallets, and(c) parental neglect during childhood manifesting itself in low pocket money. However, the tests did not reveal much, so one member of Team MJ, an ardent student of Enid Blyton’s books and its impact on adult psychology and the tendency to overeat when someone else is picking up the tab, even recommended that the staff of BLO be made to read aloud during the lunch hour those delightful stories for children to gain moral strength and fiscal discipline.

Finally, after much deliberation, it was decided that to lift the spirits of the staff what was in order was a party. Not a political party but a proper Diwali bash. So, on the appointed evening everyone turned up at a five-star bar and soon glum faces turned cherubic as the whisky/vodka/rum began to take effect. By late evening there was dancing, singing, much bonhomie, and momentary lapse of reason. Everyone had a cracker of a time.

But alas! The morning after was as bleak as ever. The wallets and purses were still going through monetary depression, the wives/husbands were irritable, and last month’s pending bills had not come down by even a single rupee (perhaps they were sulking since they were not invited for the bash). What’s worse, the realisation dawned on many that a hangover can be rather taxing although it doesn’t yield any returns--much like dud stocks. In fact, all that everyone was left with after the evening was a richly illustrated brochure prepared by Team MJ titled: “A Thinking Man’s Guide To Coping With Delayed Salaries.”

Many saw it as a cruel joke on the employees who had nothing to do with the financial mess the company found itself in. Those responsible--the honchos, who squandered money on hare-brained schemes, only found a mention in the primer for obvious reasons; they had contracted the services of MJ Consultants in the first place. Anyway, here are some key excerpts from the guide:

Design your own mast calendar: If you get your salaries on say, 24 November, make that the first day of the month. So, going by that calculation, December 24 will be December 1 and New Year’s Day will fall 23 days after January 1. With such an innovative calendar in place, your pay day will be the first of each month. Tell your friends, creditors, and countrymen that the first is the 24th. What’s more, yours will be the only organisation in the world with its own calendar and could even get mileage in the media on that count. Having one’s own calendar may seem strange at first but one gets used to it. And don’t forget--man made the calendar, it did not make him.

It’s all perception: Employees get unduly worried about EMI (equated monthly installments). But don’t lose your sleep over cheques that bounce. Whoever gave you the loan will present it again since he/she has no choice. Take comfort in the fact that an uneven bounce impacts cricket and tennis greats, so why not a journalist? And think of EMI only as an iconic British record company that is going to be brought over by a Russian billionaire.   

Don’t pay, make friends: Bring some spark into your life. Creditors are the kind who call on you, enquire after your well-being, and may eventually become your pals even though their musclemen could rough you up a few times. Incidentally, our studies show that insurance agents and credit-card company representatives are man’s best friends and are good with people-to-people contact.

Spend more, save more: You can save a lot by splurging on your credit cards! Everyone must surely have seen those stores with 40 per cent off, 70 per cent off signs flashing. Now, the more you buy, the more you save by way of discounts. So spend my friend and keep a chart on your wall to tell the folks at home how much you have saved. Remember at a 40 per cent discount sale you save Rs 400 for every Rs 1000 spent. But double what you buy and you are better off by Rs 800.

The wait is worth it: When money comes easy then one takes it for granted much like sunrise and sunset. But when it comes late and is often unpredictable it adds a distinct charm to the entire process. In winter when after days of foggy and dismal weather the sun comes shining through it provides a sense of satisfaction and relief that cannot be put down in words. That’s the high one feels when at long last there is money in the account.

The brochure ends with this observation. “At MJ we are proud to have been associated with a project to help journalists cope with the problem of delayed salaries. We hope our suggestions will help. We have conveyed to the senior staff at BLO that they should be circumspect while criticising other media houses. As the old sadhu saying goes--people in glass houses cannot get stoned or throw stones. Meanwhile, our team is off on a holiday to sunny Kerala. Luckily, having taken our full payment in advance we don’t have to wait for our cheque…