Knighthood, no less, Sirjee

It is true that as a concept there is nothing new about an award being instituted for journalists. In fact, every now and then we hear of one TV channel or a newspaper and its editor/reporters being adjudged the best in the business. Why, last fortnight the Mumbai Press Club invited entries for its Excellence in Journalism Awards. But, what about desi journalists being `kniighted’ (with a double ‘i’)? Of course, not by Queen Elizabeth but by apna royalty from Bollywood – Rekha, Jaya and Amitabh Bachchan, Katrina Kaif, Vidya Balan, Aamir Khan, Ranbir Kapoor etc. Well, all of this could soon be a reality if the grand plans of a London-based businessman of Indian origin fructifies and journalists – selected by a so-called expert panel – will be conferred with the Sirjee and Madamjee titles. So, watch out for the media event of 2013 when journos can be seen live on TV being tapped on their right and left shoulders with a cardboard sword and thus elevated to a “status that will do them and the profession proud.”

You may wonder who is the gentleman behind this proposed awarding of titles and why the additional ‘i’ in his brand of knighthood? One learns that the extra alphabet was introduced on the advice of a numerologist. As for the identity of the brain behind the project, there is this curious and unbelievable story. Oscar Aristocrat was the nameless character in several Bollywood movies of the early 80s. He was the bad guy, among a bunch of baddies, who always fell to the first punch from the hero and then never reappeared or ever said a word by way of dialogue. Anyway, to cut a long story short, this soul, after being at the receiving end of several “dishums-dishums” decided enough was enough and out of sheer frustration managed to attain the required escape velocity to jettison from the big screen and step out into the real world. This bizarre event happened at a theatre in Central Mumbai during the screening of a Mithun Chakraborty action film.

Once on the streets of the city, the character without a name realised with much joy that he was human — in flesh and in blood. Naturally, he relished every bit of his new-found freedom from celluloid but soon realised he had to do something to move on. So christening himself as Oscar Aristocrat (first name after the famous award, the surname after a popular brand of Indian whisky) he got himself a fake passport and a visa, and flying Economy, landed at Heathrow on a wintry evening. The rest, as they say, is history that has never been told since Oscar climbed the ladder of success by fair means and foul. Suffice to say that he now secretly advises third world countries on dealing with governments in the developed world and how to defeat heads of state at a game of bridge.

The idea of conferring kniighthood on members of the scribe tribe in India came one evening while he was watching a Bollywood awards show on TV. A visibly excited Oscar wasted no time to sound out his journalist friend in the Daily Mail. The latter gave his approval but with the rider that the project would only work if the tag “British Empire’ is added to the title. “Aristo, you have to retain the original ‘Knight Grand Cross or Dame Grand Cross of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire’ to make the knighthood you are conferring work.” Oscar feared he would run into trouble with the authorities in UK if he went that far. But his friend pointed out that an extra ‘i’ in ‘British’ could do the trick and make his plan legally safe.

So it came to pass last month that Oscar Aristocrat set his grand plan into an actionable format. So, without further ado, here are details of Operation Sirjee/Madamjee: 

*Kniight/ Dame Grand Cross of the Most Excellent Order of the Briitish Empire: Up for grabs are 10 titles which will make each winner poorer by $20,000. Minimum qualification: a record of pretending to be angry (cross) with the world for six months, sneaking on colleagues to seniors and feigning concern for national issues. A nothing-can-be-good attitude which is never reflected in any news report filed by the candidate will be an added qualification. A video recording showing the prospective Knight/Dame rubbishing everything (including Rashtrapati Bhavan’s high ceiling and the poor menu at the Press Club) will do for proof. Articles showing the felicity to turn left, right and centre at the will of the editor will be considered a plus. The award comes with a nudge on the shoulders (with a non-metallic sword) by a star of choice who will sign the citation and also pronounce the magic words – Arise, Sirjee…The package deal comes with a free hamburger or bun-aloo-tikki at Wembley Stadium where kniighthood will be conferred. The select 10 can prefix Sirjee or Madamjee/Damejee to their names at their own risk and are free to strap a red revolving beacon light on their heads while walking or pretending to drive a toy car at home.        

 *Kniight/ Dame `Commandeered’ of the Most Excellent Order of the Briitish Empire: A dozen titles are on offer at a throwaway $25,000 each. Those with a track record of having done commandeered stories (rather than banal true and original reports) will be given preference. Journalists who have ventured into paid news, paid views, paid film/book reviews and paid interviews can now avail of the opportunity of getting a paid title which comes with an option of prefixing an additional Sirjee/Madamjee to one’s name on a further payment of $10,000. Along with other benefits, the deal includes several welcome drinks and the freedom to skip dinner and repair for more spirits with other paid news journalists.

*Kniight/ Dame Loudest of the Most Excellent Order of the Briitish Empire: All TV journalists who believe that sound and fury signifies something will find this one suitably appropriate. Those who repose complete faith in hype (even print journos qualify) and subscribe to the view that hysterics equals intellectualism can come to the party. A free strip of mild sedative will be provided to all those who are selected so calm prevails during the ceremony at Wembley and several questions that “the nation wants answered” are not asked. These include why birds fly when they can very well book an airline ticket and should those who earn as much as some anchors do, pay taxes when they are saving India every night at prime time. Cost of title: $50,000.    

Officer of the Most Excellent Order of the Briitish Umpire: A team of English Umpires will adjudicate on who will be the lucky 10 who make the OBE. Sportswriters who have consistently been inconsistent swinging between praising the Indian team and then going over the top criticising it, qualify instantly. Since there is only one sport in India, those covering athletics, hockey, etc, have been excluded. Each of the 10 titles comes for $25,000. However, costs can be subsidised by sponsors so easily found by several cricket journalists.

According to Oscar Aristocrat, non-journalists can also apply if they double the title fee and can produce two copies of articles submitted for publication which came back with rejection slips. Alternatively, they can submit essays written in school/college.

(For further details contact Oscar on sirjee-madamjee@goodkniight.co.uk.)