Me Branson, you Jain?
Imagine a newspaper with news on front page and paid news or the"advertorial" stretching across the following 23 pages?
AJITH PILLAI invents a highly profitable media business concept called “Edvitorialâ€. Pix: Vineet Jain
Dipped in Witriol
AJITH PILLAI
This is a transcript of a phone tap by the MI 5 (British Intelligence) of a conversation between Sir Richard Branson of the Virgin group and an unidentified marketing executive of The Times Of India (ToI). From the tone and tenor of her voice the latter sounds like a woman of considerable authority in the news organisation.
The phone call becomes relevant in the backdrop of a 7000-plus-word article in the October edition of The New Yorker (Citizen Jain, by Ken Auletta) which examines the style of functioning of the ToI whose managing director, Vineet Jain, candidly admits to the magazine’s journalist that his newspaper group relies heavily on advertising since it, and not editorial content, generates most of its revenue. But what particularly caught Sir Richard’s eye was Jain’s comment that he got his idea for starting a paid advertorial section for promoting film stars and movies after reading an interview with the Virgin group’s maverick owner. Branson had famously stated that he jumped off parachutes and rode elephants to get his group free publicity. “When I read it, I said, ‘Oh, my God, eureka—I’m stupid!’ ” Jain told The New Yorker. “Why these guys (Bollywood folks) are not advertising in my paper is because I’m giving them free PR.” Thus started paid coverage often referred to as Page 3 news.
According to the MI, so excited was Sir Richard that he immediately got off the high horse on which he was seated. The hapless beast had been mounted on an elephant struggling to keep its balance in a swimming pool too shallow for it while the boss of Virgin, giving a suitably stoned look, read The New Yorker for the benefit of photographers. However, he stopped abruptly and was out of the pool in a jiffy and demanded he be connected to the best-selling English newspaper in India. We catch up even as an assistant hands him his mobile:
Richard Branson: (patiently listening to a recorded voice and a Vedic chant before being connected to an operator) Can I speak to Mr. Bennett or Mr. Coleman…
Operator: They have all gone for the day. Can I take a message?
RB: Can I get …er…one of the top bosses on the line?
Operator: For that you have to take an appointment or disappointment--disappointment, if they don’t wish to speak to you and tell you to call when they are not around, appointment if they actually tell you to call. But today none of them are here, so should I connect you to one of their extensions..?
RB: (exasperated) Absolutely not! Is there anyone else I can speak to? I am calling all the way from England.
Operator: Please be on the line.
Unidentified marketing executive: (picking up her extension) Can I help you?
RB: I’m Sir Richard Branson and…
UME: (cutting him short) Oh the one and only Sir Richard! Oh my God! I can’t believe it! It’s like getting a call from Amitabh Bachchan on Kaun Banega Crorepati…
RB: Who that…?
UME: Forget it, sir… It is such a great pleasure hearing your voice. It just can’t be true! My mom will be so impressed!
RB: If me Branson, what Jain are you.
UME: No big Jain sir. Just plain Jane.
RB: (suitably pleased) I like your voice and your humility. I’m sure you are attractive and not so plain. But, tell me this. Can you convey a message to Bennett, Coleman, or err…Mr. Vineet Jain?
UME: Vineet Jain, yes. But I haven’t ever seen the other two gentlemen in the office.
RB: Well tell Mr. Jain that I read about him being inspired by one of my interviews which led to the newspaper introducing paid news or an advertorial section. Please tell him that I was very impressed to see my name cropping up in The New Yorker. But, I now have another great idea that you guys must mull over.
UME: I am all ears and pen sir. I am taking notes. What is this idea?
RB: Well I just coined the term “Edvitorial.” It is an advertorial that figures across the newspaper except the front page. It will feature serious pieces written by a new breed of writers on a host of issues such as putting poverty alleviation on the fast track by encouraging Formula 1 events. How fasting helps you lose weight and gain political consciousness to break the supply-demand chain and the merits of casting votes to help pollsters prove they are correct. Entire pages will go with the slug in 8 point—“Edvitorial, sponsored but uncensored feature.” It will add to the advertising revenue, will project political parties and leaders, and will create a new set of non-intellectual writers who sit in bathtubs, ponds, or pools and pen copy to pass off as being part of some think tank or the other. They will also write under pen names like Mohan Das Kapital--a guy who pretends he is both Gandhian and Marxist.
UME: What a wonderful idea Sir Branson! Edvitorial, I’m sure everyone will simply love it. I know many who believe that one must treat err…err…what do they call it ..? Yes, things like subaltern consciousness as popcorn. And intellectuals as those who can’t understand that readers relate more to “wow” and “now” than to dialectical materialism or those other big words and expressions like constitutional rights.
RB: (in an expansive mood as he switches on God Save the Queen by The Sex Pistols): That’s a band that I produced in the 70s. They wrote such simple lyrics--(singing along) God save the queen, She ain’t no human being, There is no future, In England’s dreaming--tell your bosses I will send them a signed copy of the album. Also, Johnny Rotten the lead singer wants to write on traffic snarls and road rage in Indian cities and how it can help in the evolution of punk ghazals.
UME: You are just too much Sir Richard! I am sure you will hear from the big boys. They may even seek your services to bring about the changes. Imagine the main paper with one page of news and 23 pages of edvitorials! And …add to that all those cute supplements.
RB: It sure will be a rocking party! And yes, tell whoever tries to get in touch to call between 1800-1900 hours GMT--that’s when I answer calls, otherwise I pick up the phone but I’m personally on silent mode. My guru tells me that I must hear a lot before I speak.
UME: You could write a philosophical column about that Sir Branson…
RB: Let me think about it… And yes, tell your bosses I have a suggestion. On weekends when Arnab Goswami takes a break on Times Now you could substitute him with Boria Majumdar. That young man is as good a punk rocker as they come. I’ve been watching his post-match comments in the T-20 World Cup. He’s far out and hyper!
UME: I shall faithfully convey your message…
Incidentally, after the call MI reports that Sir Richard got back on his high horse and this time read aloud the first few lines from Coleridge’s Kubla Khan with a cultivated opiated look. But when he reached the fifth line where Alph the sacred river runs through caverns measureless to man “Down to a sunless sea,” the horse threw him off and desperately gulped water from the swimming pool.
“You can take a horse to the water and you can make him drink it even if he prefers cola,” the boss of Virgin quipped even as everyone laughed. Being frivolous is second nature to the great man…
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