My stats, your facts

BY AJITH PILLAI| IN Opinion | 07/02/2013

Welcome to Dr B Alan’s world of ‘facts’ and ‘numbers’. After having come into considerable wealth, thanks to his knowledge of numerology combined with self-taught statistics, lies, astrology and astronomy, the good doctor who never attended college travelled the world and is now back in India to ‘serve the cause of journalism’.

It must be noted that Dr Alan started out as a humble muscleman in Kerala (he was then known as Steel Balan) before landing a job as a lifeguard in a Dubai hotel under the name B Alan. The rest, as they say, is untold history. To put it in a nutshell, the good doctor’s ability to philosophise using tangential numerology-sociology (“Why are people at sixes and sevens when they can be at threes and fours or for that matter in Florida?”) got him a decent enough following and the tag ‘wandering numbers man’. And while on the road he even found time to write the thesis ‘One Is a Lonely Number’, which became a cult classic among those who believe that 0–9  represents the world that really counts. In fact, his almost lyrical exposition of the loneliness of being one – an introverted figure wedged between a diabolic zero and the double-faced two – had such an impact on a Finnish gentleman with a philanthropic bent that he bequeathed much of his fortune to him.

Never a man to succumb to the pleasures of semi-retirement, Dr Alan decided to do his bit for the world. Like all humans with good intentions in our globalised and consultant-ised world, he left it to a marketing agency to zero in on what he should do. It was concluded that, given his `expertise’ with numbers, he could be of great assistance to hapless junior reporters being pressurised by seniors to come up with startling and ‘sexy’ news backed by figures. Also, a snap gallop poll (conducted by interviewers on horseback) among newspaper managers established that the future was in numbers –whether in circulation, viewership, ad revenue or news. And, young reporters of tomorrow who don’t have facts and figures at their fingertips (other than depressing ones on poverty and corruption released by CAG and other government agencies) will soon have to discover if they have something on the edge of their toes – failing which, they will simply have to invest in better tips or toes.

So what will Dr Alan’s initiative ‘My Stats, Your Facts’ have in store for journalists? Here are excerpts from a sampler in the making:

CONFUSING AND INCONSISTENT: Though fraught with inaccuracies, the met department is perhaps the only one currently providing data. Example: rainfall in Delhi this February was variously put out as the highest in 50 years, 60 years and 80 years. And away from the capital this figure peaked at 100 years, perhaps due to some western pop disturbance causing communication devices to dance to their own tune. That aside, year after year through summer winter and rain, there is a consistent flow of statistics that makes us believe that the current season is the hottest, coldest, wettest or driest ever. But are such figures enough to bring sparkle to reportage? True, as a TV promo puts it – whether you like it or not, weather matters – but it’s also time we moved beyond the sun and the clouds.

LEARN FROM THE MASTERS: Cricket commentators, with the help of behind-the- scenes number wizards, throw up amazing figures. For example, aren’t you stumped when you are told that this is the second time in 15 years that Sachin Tendulkar scored a single off the fifth ball he faced? Or that Ishant Sharma can’t help running his hand through his hair before he turns round to bowl and that the only time he did not do so was four years ago when he simply forgot or was wearing a headband. Facts like these, which will never be refuted, are real facts – whether they matter or not. So, did anybody tell you that Rahul Gandhi scored a first by being the only member of the Nehru-Gandhi family to eat at the plebian Rajinder Dhaba in the messy Safdarjung Enclave market in Delhi two years ago? Or that he said ‘hum’ publicly for the 8,657^th time in his political career during his speech at the recent Congress chintan baithak in Jaipur. Both humdrum statistics, some may say, so take this: Raj Thackeray used his kerchief to wipe his brow and his face more times than any guest on any TV show when he was ‘exclusively’ interviewed by Arnab Goswami last year. A world record, it happened on ‘the news channel the nation watches’, and yet no one noticed, not even the brow- beating folks at Times Now!     

FACT MUST BE STRANGER THAN FICTION: This is perhaps why a news report that’s engaging is often referred to as a ‘good story.’ Here are some facts that Team Alan has culled out during its extensive research which could add zing to the depressing mix of news:

TIME’S TIME: Don’t go on a downer if you can’t buy the Rs 25.85 lakh designer watch that stares at you week after week from glossy newspaper and magazine supplements. We now have conclusive evidence that you neither gain nor lose time by possessing an expensive chronometer. Time obviously waits for no tide or Rolex. And tests conducted by the science and technology department have revealed that 100 times out of 100, one second remained one second – not a nano more or less.

SALMAN’S RECORD: The Bollywood star joined the league of 9,000 persons in recorded history to mumble “My name is Khan but I’m not King Kong, King Khan or Khan Market” in their sleep. The event, which happened on January 9 at 4.05 am, was confirmed by industry sources and reconfirmed by a medical 'association’ which also vouches for the quality of toothpastes, deodorants and anti-‘sceptic’ lotions which supposedly stops the spread of doubt-causing bacteria, strongly recommended by political parties.

THE MASK OF MODI: Telescopes on board NASA’s unmanned spacecraft have sighted 6,00,970 Modi masks on a heavenly body outside the solar system. How they got to the outer reaches of space is a matter of much speculation, although it was pointed out that courier companies are known to deliver anything anywhere. Also, the CIA suspects that the Indian Railways with the help of ISRO may have introduced a shuttle service in space without informing Parliament and that it was all a UPA government ploy to divert Modi’s attention to another galaxy. Interestingly, 90 per cent of the masks polled wanted Modi as their planet’s PM while 8 per cent said that they missed a good Gujarati thali. The remaining two per cent meekly stated they didn’t know and so couldn’t say, proving that masks are as much human as pollsters.

Dr Alan has several such aces up his sleeve to help you frame a ‘good story’. If you want to risk talking to him, take a deep breath and close your eyes. He will come to you in your dream. Though he personally charges no consultancy fee, donations can be made by credit/debit cards towards ‘One is a Lonely Number’, a ‘no prophet, no laws’ organisation. Alternatively, call on 0123456789 if you wish to hear the recorded message: “Dr Alan is not at home right now. Please call later…”