Now, "KBC" for journalists

BY AJITH PILLAI| IN Opinion | 14/09/2012

Come September and it’s Kaun Banega Crorepati (KBC) time again. Amitabh Bachchan will be on the little screen with season six of the game-show which will ask more questions than MPs have in Parliament this session. Anyway, the happy news, our sources tell us, is that the Big B is also preparing a new show with more seasoning and tadka. This one’s for journalists. And AB’s PR men promise that all questions will be of the hatke (different) kind.

In fact, to get a new edge, the old team that has been formulating questions so far has been given a break. The services have been roped in of a relatively unknown agency called C4URSELF (C4URS). In the past it has conducted a few sundry surveys in which every question framed elicited an overwhelming “Kya Malum/ Nahin Bataunga (Don’t Know/ Won’t Say) response. And this came from ordinary folk—those who like to dunk their biscuits in the morning cup of tea or get annoyed every time the credit card statement flashes on their computer screen.

The grand old gent (not quite in the league of the Big B) who runs C4URS is Prof. Lingua Franca and needs a little introduction since he’s not known beyond the chai stalls of Old Delhi. But suffice to say, he is the scholarly JNU type, who, in an unexpected rush of blood, once blamed the 1870 Franco-Prussian War on the BJP. On being asked about the link since the saffron party had not been formed at that point, he said dismissively: “History may fail to provide any reason but Geography has the location.” That kind of cryptic response left his audience at the tea shop stumped since their grasp of English was limited to a few alphabets.

Amitabh actually became interested in the good professor after he chanced upon one of his unpublished manuscripts in the library of the Bodleian Apartments outside Gurgaon. (Incidentally, names such as Belvedere and Palm Springs having already been taken by other builders; the name of the famed library at Oxford was given to 15 floors of unimaginative concrete!) Anyway, the Big B was bowled over by “Linguaji’s erudite understanding of some trends in modern language.”

The professor, to his credit, is the only one who managed to trace the addition of the prefix “like” to sentences in casual conversation among today’s youth in small towns to some young men from the generation before them whiling away time in the heady 70s at the now defunct Cellar discotheque in Connaught Place, Delhi. “Here they heard hip young men and women mouthing a rather strange usage unheard of in grammar books—“Like what’s the scene? Like have you scored? Like I’m like pooped etc…It soon became a very fashionable way of speaking and has come here to stay,” noted the Prof in his thesis.

He has now identified a new expression that he predicts will similarly catch on. Currently used by television anchors and those who “wish to sound erudite” it’s a nine letter word: narrative. “Right now you hear this kind of articulation--the narrative has altered; the thought process is more evolved but the narrative is yet to mature; only the characters have changed; it’s a new dawn and a new political narrative is taking shape etc… But when the nine letter word reaches college canteens it will transform into: What’s your narrative (or scene) bro? Are you cutting a new narrative, or is it still at the Pepsi level? My narrative in the botany class was real shady today. Don’t tell me that story! Let’s have a new narrative. What’s the narrative for lunch? Let it not be dal, roti, and sabzi …” 

But all that is digressing from the main point. One is indeed happy to report that C4URS has formulated a special set of questions for the KBC (Patrakar) Special which should be on your television screen soon. That’s if the Press Council and the Editor’s Guild do not object. So, without much ado, here goes:

Q: You must have heard this dialogue: “Mere paas contacts hai, chief reporter hai, editor hai. Tumhare paas kya hai?….Mere paas marketing or maalik hai! Who came up with the last quip?

Options: (a) Inebriated journo, an Amitabh fan, talking to himself.
(b) Junior exec responding to journalist flaunting his editorial influence.
(c) Politician who has his way, thanks to marketing and management support.
(d) Salman Khan in Amitabh’s next film, Dee-War of the Presswallahs.

Q: What does the expression “the river flows back to the source” mean?

Options: (a) Source has dried up, so reporter is on a revival mission.
(b) The editor doesn’t believe the river (reporter) or his source.
(c) The source refuses to respond to text messages.
(d) There are rumours that the source is trying to find another stream.

Q: Why do pirates wear earrings?

Options: (a) Because Wendell Rodricks says so.
(b) It’s the minimum requirement for Page 3 coverage.
(c) Parrots (also seen with pirates) are a handful at parties and can repeat all that has been said.
(d) Film journos might think here’s Johnny Depp!

Q: What or who do you associate the expression “To Be Or Not To Be” with?

Options: (a) Film critic Khalid Mohamed’s book on Amitabh Bachchan.
(b) Ab kya karain? (what to do?) look of a bored journalist trapped at a press conference.
(c) The dilemma of whether to join the response team or stick to crime reporting.
(d) Who the hell cares about Shakespeare--he hasn’t held one decent press con!

Q: Who would you categorise as a gifted journalist?

Options: (a) One who rejects cheap gifts such as pens and diaries.
(b) Journos who prefer preferential shares.
(c) Scribes who indoctrinates others of his ilk to be friendly with PR agencies and demand favours and five-star flavours.
(d) One who prefers holidays in Europe to a weekend in Shimla.

Q: Define a news peg.

Options: (a) The drink that throws new light on a story.
(b) The refill that induces one to write.
(c) A large drink for a small story.
(d) When a journalist calls it curtains--today’s news can also be tomorrow’s breaking news.

Q: What’s Twist n’ Shout?

Options: (a) A pop hit from days long gone.
(b) When TV anchor gets edgy and twists, turns, and shouts.
(c) When everyone in the studio twists and shouts in national interest.
(d) After chat show jam session where the exertions continue.

Q: When it’s said “Press For Sale” what does it mean?

Options: (a) Printing machinery is up for grabs.
(b) Editorial space is open for negotiation.
(c) Press the right button and you’ll be given free coupons for the sale at the mall.
(d) The local laundry has to iron out some pressing problems.

Q: What does the word nuclear stand for?

Options: (a) Some complicated stuff that even Amitabh doesn’t understand-- despite his deep voice.
(b) A sub going in circles in the newsroom like an electron around the nucleus.
(c) An American government plant.
(d) Why did they let the atom split? Couldn’t they have tried counselling?

Q: Finally, to the last question, what will you do with the money if you win?

Options: (a)!!avavavxaxxxaxax!!!
(b)jakajacoozi!
(c) zakakbooka!
(d) Start a game-show like Amitabh called Kaun Banega Press Baron!!

(Some options have been given in a defunct African dialect but its meaning will be communicated to the contestant who makes it to the top).