Poll news needs the IPL touch

BY AJITH PILLAI| IN Opinion | 09/05/2013

 Dipped in Witriol
AJITH PILLAI  

There is this rather simplistic jungle saying – monotony begets more monotony which doth multiply with the passage of time. One doesn’t know who said this first –one of the Flintstones, a Congress/BJP spokesperson or a boredom-struck viewer of election results on news channels. Anyway, one of those exacting brand managers who watched the outcome of the Karnataka assembly polls on May 8 happened to notice how the going got tough for star anchors and their expert panels. Both, according to him, failed to pump any excitement into the proceedings. Finally, to provide relief, they had to shift the focus to the UPA’s crisis in Delhi over coalgate and railgate. Incidentally, Penzance, the real estate developers who are the new owners of the Watergate office complex in Washington, are planning to sue the Indian media for suffixing the expression ‘gate’ to every scam thus “tainting the fair name of the cluster of buildings which has an important place in American history.”    

That apart, the plight of our anchors on D-Day must be viewed with sympathy and not subjected to criticism. They were, after all, to use a cricketing term, labouring on a flat track with neither turn nor bounce. All the exit polls, like uninspired professional bowlers, were accurate. So, no one could claim that they got it right while others went wrong which may have added a twist. The caste-region analysis by psephologists (achieved through hours of crunching numbers with neither sugar, spice or tomato ketchup) was uniformly bland and the swing thing in the various regions of Karnataka didn’t exactly get anyone up on their feet and dancing. The experts too added to the general slowdown by repeating without fear or flavour what they had already said about the BJP losing and the Congress winning when the exit poll results came in. In fact, things came to such a pass that for some time DD News, possibly in a desperate bid to be different, showed results declared (instead of leads) in which the BJP was ahead!

Now, the boredom quotient touching soporific levels is not taken lightly. If our sources are to be believed, one TV channel honcho sent out a distress signal to his managers and editorial staff calling an emergency meeting on the very night of the Karnataka results. After much brainstorming it was concluded that something out-of-the-idiot-box had to be done to save the situation given that the schedule is packed with four assembly polls this year and the big general elections in 2014.  A brand manager described it as a desperate situation which called for swift action: “Friends, as we all know, in India we are inspired by either Bollywood or cricket. I would say let’s fuse the two so that our election coverage has that dhamaka edge. And to achieve that I propose that we rope in Lalit Modi as our adviser-in-chief. He will be our trump card – our Modi Factor which will stump the competition. Let us sign him on before others get him.” His suggestion was roundly applauded.    

 Apparently, a few calls were immediately made after the meeting and contact was established with the former Commissar of the IPL at his latest hideout in London. Well, Lalit Modi found the project challenging enough and with time on his hands (these days he wears designer watches on both wrists) he said he was on. The extended conversation between Modi and an unnamed executive was tapped by a RAW operative. The excerpts we present here skip the initial part of the conversation which goes into pleasantries and general observations:

Lalit Modi (LM): Where was I…? Well, as I said, I was up early so I managed to watch the Karnataka election results on my laptop. The TV coverage lacked any juice. No masala. You guys have to do something to make it more exciting. I suggest for starters that you create a brand—something like the Indian Election League (IEL).

Channel Executive (CE): But this is not a game. It’s politics!

LM: From my understanding, politics is a party game and cricket is a game of politics. Anyway, let’ not digress. What I’m suggesting is register the IEL and sign on the parties. Then design exclusive outfits for them – both the leaders and the cadre. Remember selling merchandise – T-shirts, caps, belts, watches – is very important. Get Anu Malik and Bhappi Lahiri to compose theme songs. That done, you are ready for the grand gala opening at the Wankhede Stadium. There will be dance, songs, floats, laser lights and even an out-of-work pop star from UK or USA singing a dub step version of the old Alisha Chenoy hit ‘Made in India’. I guarantee it will be big, big hit and will send your TRPs through the roof!

CE: But what about the politicians? Won’t they feel left out?

LM: No the senior guys will be given an opportunity to take centrestage. Modi – I mean Narendrabhai – dancing with Amitabh Bachchan with the Gir lions roaring in the background. Manmohan Singhji reciting Urdu couplets with a ‘Yo and a Yo’ sprinkled in by a Punjabi rap singer as special effect. Soniaji rendering Gabbar Singh’s Sholay dialogues in Italian. Sushma Swaraj singing favourite oldies of Nitin Gadkari, Nitish Kumar imitating Narendra Modi and vice versa, cousins Rahul and Varun Gandhi trading punches or punchlines...well, the works – everyone will be part of the show and will get the opportunity to sing, dance and clown around before the nation and that too exclusively on your channel.

CE:  But, what happens next?

LM: We say let the show begin. Whether it’s exit poll results, actual electoral outcome or campaign specials, coverage will be periodically interrupted by cheerleaders of every party doing a 30-second jig. This important task to break the monotony will be given to trainees from journalism schools. Cricket experts behaving like schoolboys will laugh at Navjyot Sidhu’s jokes and Kapil Dev will recall the 1983 World Cup victory. Comedy Show stars will entertain the viewers with real slapstick. So will magicians and gymnasts. For variety, when election specials kick off in the morning with no one in the studio having much to say other than ‘Today is a momentous day’, the anchor and his panel of experts can teach viewers yoga, deep breathing or Zen and the art of microphone maintenance. Such value addition will only make the channel popular. 

CE: But won’t this trivialise the entire electoral process?

LM: No, that will continue as it always has. We will only be changing the manner in which we cover the polls. Now, tell me what is wrong if the anchor or an expert suddenly sings a song or decides to dance? It will either provide entertainment or comic relief. For example, an opinion sung on the blues scale is better than it being delivered in a flat monotone.

CE: You think it will work?

LM: It will. Just like the IPL. And one more thing—I forgot about the closing night. After the results are declared the winners will parade around the Wankhede and a leader chosen by the party will be handed over the IEL trophy and the symbolic key to power either by Sunil Gavaskar or Alan Border. There will also be an after-results party sponsored by Haywards—those guys who make very strong soda.

CE:  But won’t the Election Commission object?

LM: Let them. They will come around after we involve them in all the gala events. Anyway, if things get too hot, the bosses of the channel can always flee to the Cayman Islands. But that’s later. Meanwhile, to get back to my strategy – to gain more viewers and goodwill one can share our footage with the print media who can distribute DVDs free with newspapers. I’m sure editors will be thrilled with the spicy election coverage.

CE: Mr Modi, all this is fine. But I have the gut feeling that it will not work and our editors will not agree. What if we fail?

LM: Well, blame Modi! If the BJP fares poorly the party will blame it on Narendra Modi. If the IEL fails you can blame it on me. You see, there is a Modi for every occasion...