Show us the way, chairman

That said, an admirer of the PCI chairman – Dr K, the armchair philosopher with several unpublished essays to his credit on a range of issues including how lack of money leads to poverty and why burgers can qualify as fast food but cannot give one a better understanding of Plato’s Republic – has written a piece inspired by Martin Luther King’s famous speech in Washington DC on August 28, 1963. The result: the evocative essay titled ‘I have Several Dreams’ is Dr K’s vision statement on the future face of journalism in India. However, at the end of his effort he was quick to point out that as with his other writings he had grave doubts that his latest work will ever be published since he is “too qualified to be appreciated by editors who have a poor academic record like Vinod Mehta.”

Now, one may wonder – what is the dream that the good doctor nurtures in his inner self? Luckily, his intellectual labours, committed carefully to longhand, were accessed by a detective hired by a Group of Editors (GoE) who were very curious to understand what makes Katju popular among those he is not unpopular with. For the sleuth, the assignment proved to be a dream run since Dr K has the strange habit of leaving a photocopy of everything that he pens under a tree in Delhi’s Deer Park. So, here goes the final draft of the doctor’s vision of a better world where a responsible and educated media (mis)leads the people:

“I have a dream that Justice Markandey Katju will one day become the super editor of all major newspapers, magazines and TV channels in the country. It will then fall upon him to bring order into chaos and some semblance of sense into the anarchic and non-scholarly manner in which the media is being currently run. I am aware that I have said this before, but let me say it again – let us together create a world where the unlettered and those without a degree (from an institution of repute) have no business to comment on or report about matters of utmost national importance, including the weather.

“I have this dream that the worthy and honourable judge shall through a decree commit the ignorant and frivolous in the profession to a gravity plus chamber (being developed by our space scientists) so that they emerge after six months with more gravitas and substitute poetry for prose and quote Dryden or Donne in ordinary conversation instead of mouthing inanities like “What’s wrong with the PM?” Also, let him ensure that in future dropouts don’t find a place in such a hallowed profession as journalism. And let us resolve that those who have already managed to claw their way into the media will be suitably educated (or at least be provided a fake degree) so that the fair name of the profession is not tarnished.

“People like me have a dream that our children are born into a world where even Page 3 reporters have a post-graduate degree in science which will help them have a more profound understanding of the mechanics of walking the ramp, swirling of a dress and can analyse a film star losing balance and falling down at a party in gravitational terms rather than the more simplistic ‘He had one drink too many.’ Let us promise the future generation an India where gossip will be subjected to intense philosophical and psychoanalytical interpretation and not merely dismissed as X being spotted with Y at a beach in Goa.

“I personally have a dream that the day will dawn when all print and TV journalists have to display their educational qualifications along with their stories. Copies of degrees/diplomas (fake or otherwise) duly attested by the PCI will be in the public domain for the scrutiny of those who have the inclination and time to verify information of this kind. Journalists not complying with this norm will have to declare themselves as having no degree – a status that will be compulsorily displayed along with their bylines.

“Can one not dream of the day TV anchors will perforce have to recite Sufi poetry and compulsorily quote from PCI-approved philosophers in the course of news programmes?  Let us also have a permitted maximum national decibel level (NDL) for all those appearing on TV so that ambient audio levels are maintained and those guilty of any violation pay a fine of Rs 1,000 and/or be penalised with zero volume for a week.

“I nurture this dream of a new India where every political commentator will have to undergo training in deep sea diving so that they can provide us with serious or very serious in-depth analysis rather than tread the shallow waters of the River Frivolous.

“I have a dream that in the near future the Justice Katju School of Journalism will become a reality and will bestow the nation with an army of reporters/editors/anchors who will make every Indian proud. These scribes will be responsible, worldly wise, scholarly and of uniform and dependable quality, like pasteurised milk.

“I have this fond hope that articles like this one finds their pride of place in newspapers and get read by voice-over artistes on TV and radio. And should any editor reject the writings of degree-holding certified commentators then the latter be given the right to appeal against the decision before the PCI.

“Finally, let us pray for the day when the Press Council grants qualified thinkers the right to sleep as much as they wish because that’s the only way they can dream…