Taking the Miki out of media

IN Opinion | 18/04/2013

 Dipped in Witriol

It was sometime in 2003 that detective Miki Manoharan met Julian Assange at a pub in Reykjavik. It was a chance meeting. The latter was sitting all alone and Miki, who had been engaged by rival food critics to trail Vir Sanghvi on a secret culinary mission to Iceland, had called it a day. An underwater search by Team Sanghvi to determine the eating habits of herrings provided no conclusive proof whether these marine creatures preferred ginger and dried cherry dressing to mustard sauce with their sea-soaked arrow worms. Apparently, the school under watch ordered pizzas on three consecutive days and followed it up with burgers and french fries on the fourth. “I guess it was a real red herring,” a frustrated Sanghvi told his scuba divers even as he checked out of his hotel and decided to suffer jetlag so he could at least have a decent shower and a meal of shellfish with coco beans and Mediterranean sea bass in sunny Monte Carlo.

The food critic’s departure happily left Mike at a loose end and an opportunity to spend the evening with Assange. The two started talking, and several tequila shots later, may well have been mistaken for long lost buddies. Anyway, the future founder of WikiLeaks told his drinking mate all about the documents that he would one day make public over the internet to nail the American government and its lies. “You can join me if you like,” Assange offered genially. “Or you could start out on your own. I’m going to call my outfit WikiLeaks, why not call yours MikiLeaks, after all ‘W’ stood on its head is ‘M!’” Assange had burst out laughing and Miki simply joined in not realising the import of what was being said in jest.         

Years later, he read the exposes in the Indian media courtesy WikiLeaks. By then he had sold his detective agency and had decided to relax in his village in Kerala. But how long could he have put up his feet and watched the tapioca grow? The old workaholic in him desperately wanted some action and he suddenly remembered that evening in Reykjavik. Miki rushed to his laptop and launched MikiLeaks and started hacking into US government sites just as easily as he picked his teeth. Within an hour he came across several secret communiqués relating to the Indian media sent to the White House. What’s more these were cables sent in the last four years and were marked for the ‘President’s eyes and ears (if he still can read with the latter)’.

Soon, the former private eye put together the first in his series – MikiLeaks on the Media. But as of now he is awaiting clearance from the astrologer for an auspicious date and time to go public. Meanwhile, Miki agreed to release a few excerpts to us provided these were not sourced to him. So, here are select cables (Anon to White House), allegedly passed on by a confidante of Miki Manoharan: 

Cable 265646, March 2013. Anon, New Delhi, to the White House: Is the Indian media pro-Narendra Modi? According to CIA operatives they are supportive of the Gujarat Chief Minister though cleverly so. A prominent editor revealed to one of the agency’s undercover operatives the modus operandi over a drink: “Attack the central government vigorously and consistently showing it in poor light thus fulfilling your responsibility of exposing corruption and high-handedness. That’s good journalism and you will be applauded for it and also for being a bold anti-Establishment publication. In any case, you have nothing against the ruling dispensation. You can’t be blamed if the government is corrupt and ineffective.

“But, crucially, while exposing the government go easy on Modi and ensure any severe criticism of him is blunted.  Play down negative stories, giving more space to his state’s achievements. Of course, for objectivity’s sake, run a few anti-stories too but those that will not have a lasting impact. You will thus be helping the Modi cause without anyone quite realising it. Meanwhile, to keep the left-of-centre liberal image intact, give space to those who are vocal in their pro-poor, anti-liberalisation views. And stand up for such causes as human rights (except in Gujarat).” The editor also added as a rider that the paper’s stance is subject to re-calibration if Modi does not make it to the prime ministerial race or the NDA loses in the 2014 elections.  

Cable 0144, February 2012. Anon, New Delhi to the White House:  The corporatisation of India media is a reality. Thanks to the US-friendly consultants Amul McKhunjee, old bored members running media houses are being replaced by new ‘clever’ bored members – ageing wine by spirits of not-so-young vintage. And new ‘whines’ have found their own place in old bottles. Also into the mix has come in wily pseudo-Chanakyas who hear Brahms in their free time, form a cult called Brahmsism, play one employee against the other and plot someone’s rise and another’s fall.

Meanwhile, under the emerging new work ethic, the overall spend on journalists and newsgathering has come down. According to McKhunjee’s advice, it not only cuts costs but facilitates the employing of highly paid CEOs with deputies, expense accounts and flashy cars who can help the process of downslide further. Journalists considered good are slowly being dispensed with, or at least sidelined and replaced by those obviously mediocre. New appointments are made on the basis of family background. Sons and daughters of bureaucrats and diplomats gets the first preference, those who have parents who go for morning walks with those who keep the wheels of the government turning are next in line and those who have contacts (no reference here to lenses) among officials who can help the newspaper management with civic problems also get a look-in. Diligence at work is not a plus point.  

 All things considered, the stage is clearly being set for the US media to extend operations to India since studies indicate that corporatisation of the McKhunjee kind often leads to slow but certain decline.

Cable 666555, December 2012. Anon, New Delhi to the White House: A new trend in managing the media in India has been noticed which may be of interest in Washington. Devised by Rahul Gandhi it is called “reaping dividends from low expectations.” The idea is to plant anti-government stories so that its image takes a beating and nothing is expected of it. So, when it does something it is unduly applauded. Our information is that the Prime Minister’s Office has been practising this for quite some time now. “Since we have painted a sorry picture of ourselves we get a lot of media attention when we do something half sensible,” a PMO official told us in confidence. Reporters covering the PMO have been heard remarking on several occasions that the government needs no enemies when there are enough detractors inside.

Cable 007008, April 2013. Anon, New Delhi to the White House: Mayday! Mayday! Mistake this not as a call from labour organisations.  But sources tell us that several TV anchors and experts on their panels are planning to job hunt in the US after the 2014 general elections in India. Their plan is to take over news networks in the US and play a crucial role in the 2016 Presidential elections. The danger of such a move is fairly obvious to experts, who fear that the hysterical debates and discussions they conduct might confuse the US voter. He/she will fail to see the difference between a Democrat and a Republican and may even boycott elections... 

(For more such cables search for Mikleaks on the web. Should you draw a blank then it’s just not your lucky day. Feel free to curse Miki).