The Boxing Day bash

In the wee hours of December 26 when the night was as still as a photograph (and yet the clock ticking) seven wise men/women from the television industry and an equal number of cerebral creatures from the print media met at a guest house outside Mumbai on a secret mission. To maintain complete anonymity the dozen plus two came incognito with the imaginative use of makeup, masks, wigs and other such devices. In addition, those who spoke at 120 words per minute reduced the speed of their speech delivery by half. Screechy voices turned deep and vice versa for the occasion. For the night, bald men became flower children from the 60s with their flowing tresses and women were dressed like gypsies from what was once Transylvania. The Boxing Day bash to thrash out strategies for 2013 was as colourful as an event like that could get.

Since it was billed as top secret, no outsiders were allowed. (Two IB operatives who tried to gain entry dressed as waiters were quickly spotted by the regulation police boots they were wearing and were promptly evicted). But despite all that screening our own sleuth, who goes by the name Hoot n’ Scoot, managed to sneak in by pretending he was a marketing wiz and managed to file this report in quick time from an all night cyber café. So over to him:

BOXING DAY BASH 2012–THE INSIDE STORY

THE SETTING: A conference hall in the guest house of a well known corporate house. On the high table dominating the room were seated the privileged 14. Below them shaped from dark Belgian chocolate were mikes, cameras, recorders, computer and TV screens, editing tables scribble pads and pens. These faceless objects represented the instruments used by the foot soldiers (namely reporters, camera persons, photographers and sub –editors) to gather and process information. The presence of these choco-objects was purely symbolic-- to set the mood for the meeting.

In the backdrop of the high table prominently placed on a pedestal were a giant pumpkin, an imposing bottle of honey and a stuffed bunny rabbit. And behind and above this a cloth banner with the message: “What a network Sirjee! Read and Tailor—Bond with the BEST.”  Obviously whoever wielded the brush to paint the message was bad with his spelling or was inebriated but the executives of the event management company which organized the party were impressed. Three ad messages had been cramped into one line with “BEST” referring to the Brihanmumbai Electricity  Supply and Transport organization  which provided the bus with airline seats (borrowed from an out of use  Kingfisher aircraft) to transport the gang of 14 to the venue.

The meeting was called to order with the singing of the anthem for this year’s bash—“You are my pumpkin, pumpkin/Hello honey, bunny/ You are my dumpling, dumpling/Hello honey, bunny/ Honey, bunny-toko toko, toko, toko.”  That formality over, several matters on the agenda and not on it were taken up over flutes of champagne. Finally the minutes and second thoughts were recorded:

TV’S  NOT THE IDIOT BOX: It was felt that even if it required a constitutional amendment, the derogatory term had to be deleted from all public reference to what is a national asset -- television.  One point that was raised was that if TV was indeed the I-box then it did not take much to add two plus two and conclude that those who appear on it are`I(s)’ too. One speaker said that it must be impressed on politicians across the board that the ban on the I-word be implemented urgently since most of them revel at being seen and heard on prime time. One woman anchor, yes the one who topped the 150 words per minute mark during a heated studio discussion, said she had heard that there was a devious plan afoot to classify members of the print media as out of the box-Is . “In the larger interests of the press let wisdom prevail and the idiot-shediot be done away with,” she observed to much applause.

HELP CONGRESS AND GOVERNMENT SPEAK IN ONE VOICE: It was observed that the half hearted effort to get spokespersons to sing in harmony was not enough. And the I&B ministry panel set up for the purpose of ensuring that the government and party sings the same tune had not made much headway. Therefore, the service of the Delhi School of Music was desperately required to provide vocal training to Congress netas and sarkari spokespersons. It was put on record that though most government and Congress spokespersons were singing-challenged, the press in national interest (both simple and compound) had to take the first step to make them exercise their vocal chords in unison. Singing spokespersons would add a musical element to TV news coverage and papers could provide free score sheets for readers who wished to sing along.

PAID NEWS TO PAID INTERVIEWS:  One view that came to the fore was that it was high time media paid for news. To add zing to news coverage, politicians, activists and opinion makers could be paid to give atrocious interviews that could generate controversy and debate. While management representatives felt that paid news had become a way of life, paying for statements, they admitted, could help TRP ratings and readership.  It was decided that a “paisa pheko tamasha dekho scheme’’ must be formalized soon.

EQUAL DISTRIBUTION OF EXCLUSIVES: It was unanimously felt that at the end of each working day lesser exclusive stories must be distributed among newspapers and TV channels.  One editor, a former Trotskyite, noted that a new era of give and take had to be ushered in. “Everyone may not get a slice of the cake but at least let them have their share of the humble pie,” he said in a rather matter of fact manner.

CRICKET EXPERTS AS POLITICAL PUNDITS: One suggestion which came up was that the likes of Sunil Gavaskar, Harsha Bhogle and Ravi Shastri be invited to express their views on national politics both on TV and in newspapers. Several editors expressed their approval for such a move noting that the ex-cricketers could give a new “spin” by applying cricketing terms like “turning pitch, cracks on the turf, yorker length delivery, cover, extra cover and swing” to political events. Conversely Brinda Karat, Digvijay Singh, Swapan Dasgupta and others could be drafted as cricket commentators to complete the politicisation of the game. 

LOVE THYSELF, LOVE THE DEPRESSION: Received with much applause the meeting observed that all media houses must in the New Year continue with the good work to project that the industry is going through a deep economic crisis. This, it was pointed out, will ensure that employees’ salaries are kept at the depressed 2012 levels.  It was also stressed that salary paid never comes back even if one provides for the return fare.