This new malady called Owneritis
Diagnosed after a survey among media owners. Check out the questions and answers Dr De (Press) passed on to Dr Khullar for his edification.
AJITH PILLAI scooped it for The Hoot. PIX: Dr Rahul Khullar
Dipped in Witriol
AJITH PILLAI
The media friendly Dr De (Press), who dropped out from medical school and started befriending ailing journalists offering them free help and advice, is back in the news. Remember, some ten months ago the good doctor was written about in The Hoot when observations recorded in his diary revealed a range of ailments from “Klepto-editomania” to “Anna-rexia” that journalists suffered from. Dr De had even put on record the treatment that he recommended for such conditions. Since then he has been a virtual recluse dividing his time (through a complex allocation of hours, minutes and nanoseconds) between Delhi-Kolkata-Chennai-Mumbai to study a malaise which he believes is “striking at the very root of good journalism.”
Being a very methodical man, Dr De left no stone (except those unwieldy boulders) unturned as he went about his study of a unique hazard that neither medical science or the Press Council is yet to take proper cognisance of. The Doc, who believes any new illness that a researcher chances upon is a moment of sorrow even if it gets him the Nobel Prize, christened his “unfortunate discovery” as “Owneritis”. This he noted in his diary as a psychiatric condition which impacts the frontal lobe of the brain triggering off a desire to simultaneously run newspapers, TV channels, web sites, radio stations and cable networks.
According to Dr De, “It is a chain reaction caused by several chemical imbalances--the coming together of complex compounds that can’t stand on their feet being drunk on power and advertising—which creates in the patient an impatience to quickly dominate. It can lead to two other complications called `Control-o-mania’ and `Influenceza’ which manifests itself in imagining editors and editorial to be puppets that come conveniently with right strings attached.”
While much has been written about owners having controlling interests in their media empires and output, never have those chemicals and enzymes been identified which are the root cause of “Owneritis” and related disorders. (Einstein, though not a trained doctor, almost cracked it but a few unidentified media barons offered him the Theory of Relativity on a platter as an alternative to becoming famous and he grabbed it with both hands.) Luckily for us, Dr De not only managed to conduct his research in peace and without interference but also convinced his money plant to use its powers of photosynthesis to create an antidote that sets things right in the minds of afflicted owners. The new drug named “Hey Joe”, after the Jimi Hendrix hit, is in the process of being patented. According to Dr De he chose the name since it is unique and easier to spell than say, Amoxicillin.
Incidentally, the conclusions drawn by the good doctor were sent to Rahul Khullar, chairman of the Telecom Regulatory Authority of India (TRAI), who is said to be very impressed with Dr De’s findings. It perhaps explains why he has recently been outspoken about regulating corporate control over the media. In fact, the institutional barrier that Khullar is thinking of setting up between the owners and editorial is nothing more than a team of doctors and nurses who will administer intravenous shots of Hey Joe to owners who have a tendency to interfere in editorial and a penchant for cross holdings in the media.
While all that bit about enzymes, chemicals and DNA (not to be confused with the newspaper of the same name) is too scientific for ordinary folk, here are a revealing set of statistics that Dr De managed to collate through a snap survey among media owners while they were in deep sleep. The poll was conducted by a group of reformed anopheles mosquitoes who turned pollsters after they were convinced by health activists that rum and coke is thicker than blood and that no red blood corpuscle can give the same kick as a shot of Old Monk. Anyway, here are their findings of “Gathering Moss With the Mosquitoes (GMWM) appended to Dr De’s report and sent to Khullar with the cryptic remark –“TRAI a little harder at reigning in the owners!”:
THE GMWM SURVEY AMONG MEDIA OWNERS
1. Why are you in the media business?
(a) Because, it is as good a racket as any and you can become influential. One is on clout nine. (75%).
(b) Tried tennis and badminton. Both involved rackets but not as big as the media (15 %).
(c) To ensure that the truth is told and people are aware (5%).
(d) Don’t know, can’t say (DKCS)—5%.
2. Do you think managements should interfere in editorial?
(a) They must. If not it would be like building a home and wandering about homeless or running an eatery and denying yourself a meal there (90 %).
(b) He who doesn’t interfere is living in fear of the editor (5 %).
(c) Media should not be seen as just another business (2%).
(d) DKCS (3%).
3. Who in your view is an ideal editor?
(a) A plasticine wordman/ woman who can be moulded, edited and subtracted. A person who views the world through management prescribed bi-focal (75 %).
(b) Someone who says yes when he/she wants to say no (15%).
(c) Strongly independent and objective (2 %).
(d) DKCS (8%).
4. What do you make of TRAI chairman Rahul Khullar’s campaign to restrict cross-media holdings?
(a)He should leave the media alone and look at other cross connections, like the ones on cellphones. (85 %)
(b) Relax! Don’t be so cross about holdings (10%).
(c) He’s doing the right thing (1%).
(d) DKCS (4%)
5. Do you think he will succeed in insulating management from editorial?
(a) Fat chance! Khullar will probably have to drug us before he can have his way (90%).
(b) Before he insulates he will be isolated (7%).
(c) He can succeed if he has the will to fight (1%)
(d) DKCS (2 %).
6. Should paid news be banned?
(a) No. Paid content after all pays for all the unpaid news (89%).
(b) Nothing comes for free so why not pay for news (6%).
(c) Don’t make news into a cheap dhanda (2%).
(d) DKCS (3%).
7. Have you heard of Dr De (Press)?
(a) Is he Shobha De’s husband (65%)?
(b) One De is as good as another (25%).
(c) Isn’t he the chap who treats journos for media related illness’ (5%).
(d) DKCS (5%).
The survey was conducted during the wee hours of March 25-26. In all 25 winged employees of GMWM with brain mappers strapped to their bodies interviewed respondents in their sleep. To make the poll as authentic as possible each question was asked twice. The DKCS response was deliberately added since no survey minus that is considered genuine.
(For further details and business enquiries please contact GMWMinc@buzz.com).
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